Stargazing Through Events
by Moonhun7er
Summary: Many years after the Reaper War, the galaxy has finally returned to a semblance of its former ebb and flow. Though the Mass Relays, as well as galactic civilization throughout the systems, underwent massive changes and adaptations the people still understand little of the events that lead up to and occurred during the War.
1. Chapter 1: Another Tale About Shepard

"...and through his actions, Commander Shepard managed to not only save the Hanar homeworld of Kahje but in time, helped them to find a place on the galactic council," finished the Stargazer with a merry twinkle in his eyes as he returned his gaze to the young child who eagerly grasped his wrinkled but firm hand throughout the story as they continued to trudge through the snows. Though he looks down endearingly at him, the child continues to stare up at the distant moon, his eyes mirroring the glimmer of reflection as it plays across the edge of the large, silvery orb hanging low across the ground's horizon. His breath comes out in short and sharp bursts and his excitement is a palpable thing, infusing the air with heat and eagerness in a silent cloud of mist.

"I'd like to see the Hanar homeworld someday," the child wonderingly mutters under his breath, his mind creating images and scenes of standing among the towering pink creatures, "I mean, it must be alright for us to go and see them in their homes and talk to them about their own stories about the Shepard." He shakes himself out of his daydreams of Blasto and the exquisite feeling of satisfaction at someday meeting the first Hanar Spectre and looks up at the Stargazer with a longing look.

"Tell me another story about the Shepard!"

The Stargazer smiles down at him and then turns his head to the omni-tool perched along the length of his other arm. "I think that it's getting quite late now and we've been talking about the Shepard for many hours already. It's getting cold my sweet and this old man would like a nice cup of tea and some time to finish some articles for our good Doctor before we head off to bed."

The child's eyes shifts in disappointment and the pleading look in his eyes is almost more than the Stargazer can bear. Suddenly, the child realizes that it _is_ starting to get colder as the night continues to pull ever tighter around them and despite the thick layers of clothing that they are both wearing, he is yearning to snuggle up close to his Liara T'Soni and Blasto huggable toys and wrap himself up in his heat-retaining comforter. As he opens his mouth to tell the Stargazer that he'd like to return home, he is interrupted by a loud and wide yawn that involuntarily escapes him and causes his eyes to tear up. As he rubs his eyes clear, the Stargazer smiles openly and lifts him up and into the crook of his elbow, holding him steady with his other hand as his tired head lolls against the older man's shoulder.

With a chuckle, the Stargazer begins to make his careful way along the path that returns to the small, white-washed building that serves as the entrance to the tiny but cosy colony that nestles on this tiny and cosy world. "Don't worry child, I'll make sure that you get one more quick story before your bedtime, so long as you brush your teeth and wash up before you clamber in," knowing that, like every other night before, the child would be sound asleep before they even cross the threshold of their home.

The spark of excitement that arises within the boy is stilled by yet another almost-stifled yawn that is almost as large as the first one. The Stargazer's chuckle vibrates deep from within his chest and continues to emerge as they approach the entrance to the colony.

His muscles ache softly as he reaches his large sprawling home and unlocks the door through his omni-tool while balancing the precious cargo across his chest. Slowly and carefully, he makes his way up the wide stairs up into the second level of the dwelling, along the hallway and turning into the second door across from the stairs. Gently, the lights of the room slowly rise to life and his mind settles comfortably across the images he sees as he carries his young bundle over to the child's bed.

A shelf that dominates the wall opposite the bed, filled with soft toys of every creature imaginable and holos of his favourite characters.

Several open Holo-mics, holographic comics, that are repetitively replaying the scenes of whatever pages that they are opened to.

A small aquarium in the corner next to a simple and elegant writing desk covered in drawing pads and styluses.

Tucking the already sleeping young boy into his bed, he shakes his head wonderingly at the small, curled figure as he twitches and dreams. Pulling the covers up tight around the child's neck, he goes to the shelf and takes down a Wrex fluffy toy and the Blasto huggable and gently pauses to place them together under the twitching fingers of his young charge; his heart tugs softly as he watches the still sleeping youngling grasp at his toys and pull them in softly and firmly into whatever dreams he is concocting in that adventurous, little mind of his. With a smile, he slowly walks out and waves his hand across the light sensor and dims the room, closing the door softly with just a tiny crack that lets the light from the hallway pull across the desk.

Musing to himself about youth and their eternal capacity for curiosity, he gingerly makes his way down the stairs, promising to himself that perhaps he is finally too old to be carrying such bundles of energy across any distance in this cold weather. Of course, he immediately discards the idea as ridiculous, as he had always done every night before. Looking at his omni-tool he watches as the orange glow flickers and tells him that it is only 7 hours past sunset. _Still early,_ he thinks, _on a world where the time between sunset and sunrise is at least 20 hours long_. Making a quick stop into the kitchen, he sets a pot of water to flash-boil and prepares his favourite tea. Opening a cabinet, he takes out a small bottle of amber liquid and adds a splosh, pauses, and adds a much more liberal amount again before secreting the bottle back, humming to himself as he leaves the kitchen

He tromped his way into his study, wiping his hand along the door under the stairs, and enters. He is always stunned and amazed by the sight before him, not the usual square room but one with _six_ sides. Directly across the door is a huge bay window, overlooking the frozen orchard that they had recently just arrived back from, and which nicely frames his writing desk made of rare Earth hardwoods. Procured at great expense as well. The remaining four diagonal sides are crammed with books and materials for books, from countless worlds. Many are in the form of data-pads, hundreds of thousands of words crammed into neat little cubicles in quantum cyberspace. A few, a very rare few, are bound in materials from their homeworlds. Several books made of _paper_ from Earth, a copy of Matriarch Dilinaga's original manuscript work bound together with Thessian papyrus, even a bound Turian folio made of a rare and soft pliable metal that almost never left Turian space.

Easing himself into his worn, stuffed chair with a grunt (he was getting far too old to endure the cold comfort of metal and plastic on his rump), he opened up his console interface and activates the textual processing program that has become almost an extension of himself. His desk is scattered with data-pads, pieces of paper written in human script and other textual wonders. As he waits for the program to finish actualizing, he takes a sip of his whiskey-laced tea and winces to himself. _Perhaps a bit more than I intended_. He turns to retrieve a carved wooden box (metal would have been cheaper but less comforting to him) and opens it to reveal countless pictures and mini holo-vid archives nestled within. Taking another sip of his tea (it would be more appropriate to say that it tasted like whiskey with a dabbling of tea dribbled in), he turns to the screen and reads the first line he had typed in so many nights ago.

_JOHN SHEPARD AND KAIDAN ALENKO: A CHRONOLOGICAL BIOGRAPHY OF LOVE_

It was strange how odd it sounded. This was a story between the most important man in the galaxy, Shepard, and the person who Shepard saw as the most important man in the galaxy, Kaidan. And here it was, sounding like some cold little study about the mating rituals between two human males. Shaking his head in exasperation, the Stargazer takes another fortifying sip of tea (whiskey?) and starts to imagine and discards titles.

_A love born of hope? No, no, no. Too sappy. A human love story? Dammit, I'm doing it again. The quiet sexual adventures of the first two human SPECTRES? I think I really might have added too much whiskey. Besides, it wasn't THAT quite I don't think. The love story of the Normandy? Agh! Now it sounds like a space orgy!_

Frustrated with himself and his inability to create a masterful and enrapturing title, he decides to shut down the console, call it a night and head upstairs to bed in the hopes that another night of fitful tossing and turning would create a glorious sense of realization and epiphany. He crushes the idea ruthlessly in his mind before it can form, this won't have been the first night he'd have done that and woken up to nothing more than a mind-numbing tiredness and nothing else to show for a long night of thought-churning...thoughts. _Dammit, I think the whiskey's really starting to hit me. Better stop drinking this swill and make myself some real coffee._ As he gets up off the chair, he takes one of the data-pads along with him and balances the nearly empty cup on top of it, in the hopes that it will inspire him to write something marvellous and wonderful during his very short holiday to the kitchen. After draining what's left of the tea and the tepid water in the pot, he sets it back to flash-boil and leans against the little island in the middle of the kitchen reading what he picked up.

_Ah, I remember this. The first Normandy SR-1. When the then Lieutenant Alenko first met Commander Shepard._ He skims through the accounts from the different crew members, some of which were obscure and difficult to procure after all the damage the craft sustained in the crash on Alchera after the Collector's first devastating surprise attack. With a lot of digging and lots of help from the Shadow Broker, the accounts were found, collated and sent to him in order to make some sense of it all. He knows most of the words by heart and already knows how he will string together the experiences and memories of the two protagonists, while using the writings of the other crew members to flesh out the rest of the story. It began with Shepard's entry and his first reaction to meeting Kaidan when he comes aboard as part of Anderson's crew...


	2. Chapter 2: SSV Normandy SR-1

Lieutenant John Doe Shepard. It was quite the accomplishment considering that his life began on earth with no father or mother to speak of, running his sorry, beleaguered ass with one gang, then another as soon as he could talk his way in. His 'accomplishments' had finally caught the attention of the larger organizations and, through one betrayal or another, landed him in the infamous Tenth Street Reds as well as his first taste of real power over others around him and the freedom from moral shackles that he thought was the ultimate expression of his existence. Such things were, perhaps, never meant for the hands of a scrawny sixteen-year old kid suffering from a sense of loneliness and depression that dogged him during most of his early days, but he was nothing if not a survivor. He still remembered clearly, the reason he had left the Reds, the final straw that made him realize the sort of bastard he was turning into when he had just turned eighteen and, as a sort of coming-of-age initiation, they had made him carry a sack of explosives with strict orders to place it as stealthily as possible within the Human Council Embassies on Earth. He remembered watching all the people moving around the Embassies, workers and clerks, families and colleagues, all laughing and living, enjoying the comfortable closeness that they shared with one another. The very something that had always inflamed the gnawing sense of jealousy that was an intimate and abrupt part of his waking hours. This time though, the renegade feelings within him are eclipsed by an almost overwhelming sense of empathy and realization. He had shattered the detonator under his cheap pseudo-leather boots and ran to the closest authoratative establishment he could find, which just so happened to be the Alliance HQ attached to the Embassies, and with an almighty swing dumped the contents of his battered and dirty rucksack onto the desk of a very surprised and very speechless clerk as he poured out his story, along with the jury-rigged explosives, between brief bouts of tears, sobbing and perhaps some railing. They were probably well impressed with what they saw, this street urchin (almost more like a gutter rat in the clothes that he was in at the time) who looked no more than a child confessing to crimes that would have warranted life in a cell at the very least let alone a recommendation and a place in the Alliance Military system. He wondered if-

"Lieutenant Shepard, sir, Commander Anderson requests your immediate presence on the Command Deck" interrupted his omni-tool in a slightly distorted and tinny version of Chief Navigator Pressly. Shepard's thoughts, that had been spiralling inward deeper and deeper towards dark and depressing musings, snapped to the fore as he wrestled with his memories and shoved them tight into a tiny and obscure corner of his brain. He wished he could have locked them into said corner and thrown the key into the Sol System's white hot sun, but they always managed to find their way out and dance around his mind when he wasn't paying attention.

"Thank you Pressly. Please inform the Commander that I'll be coming up now," he spoke politely into his omni-tool. He'd only known Pressly for a few days and wanted to give him a good impression of friendliness while maintaining a sense of professionalism as a senior officer. He hoped that it would work. He cut the feed and stowed his omni-tool away by disengaging the interface and letting it fade back into its standby-mode along the length of his arm. It was the most efficient form of communication at this point as ear-pieces were seldom used outside of combat situations and tended to obscure sounds from the particular direction of the ear in which it was imbedded in, a fact which made Shepard slightly uncomfortable as his innate sense of awareness and wariness demanded that he at least try to process as much stimuli as possible. All these thoughts cluttered his brain, which was a relief considering what the previous tenants of his active mind were doing to his mood, as he climbed the stairwell up into the Command Deck. No matter how many times he rounded that slight curve, he was always slightly taken aback by the hub of activity that unfolded before him.

The curving lines of the Normandy spoke of grace and power that hummed throughout the ship and permeated it's design and superstructure. Crew members jostled by intent on their tasks, some holding onto datapads and checking calibrations and system performance values against heat emissions, comparing efficiencies and upgrading protocols. The sub-conscious hum that followed their movements and conversations resonated strongly with the muted, omni-directional hum of the Tantalus Drive Core beneath his feet and sent almost imperceptible vibrations up the soles of his military-issue boots and into his powerful and muscled legs. It was a feeling of immense comfort and stability especially considering that they were beginning to move away from the port and into the cold, emptiness of space and he turned his head to catch the displayed projections of the Galaxy Map in the Combat Information Centre that sat nestled in the middle of the Command Deck. He spied Pressly co-ordinating the run from the raised platform _behind_ the Galaxy Map, an unusual affectation that nearly shouted the obvious Turian influence of the Normandy's design. His gaze naturally shifted along the curve of the room to the bays along the cockpit hallway filled with minor navigators, corporals, engineers and ensigns.

Shepard took a deep breath and closed his eyes, feeling the rightness of the Normandy, the order with which the crew maintained and ran the ship, like cells and tissues, muscles and organs, all synchronously working together for the better part of the whole, bringing into being something that was _far_ greater than the sum of its parts. _So unlike the gangs_ he mused and immediately crushed his introspection into submission while he re-opened his eyes. As his gaze swept the room briefly, he realized that Commander Anderson wasn't present and he brushed the Comm Room door with his peripheral vision and had his suspicions confirmed when he saw the tell-tale orange glow of a standard locking protocol in place. Since it appeared he was getting in the way of some of the crewmembers, who were casually saluting him yet looking up in shock to realize that there happened to be an obstruction along their designated working paths and couldn't comprehend stepping around him, he moved to the space just in front and slightly to the side of the stairwell entrance with the strong intent to stand at ease until Anderson marched out that door and approached him.

Though his mission was carefully thought out and was in the process of a flawless execution, Shepard failed to count on the presence of another body already standing at ease in the _exact_ spot that he was intent on sliding towards, which resulted in his momentum not having anywhere else to go but into the poor individual who was apparently knocked onto his ass by the strength of Shepard's sidestep. With the feel of something akin to a blush, (when was the last time he had ever felt so ungainly and embarrassed?), he turned with apologies tripping over his teeth and clenched lips in order to help the unfortunate ensign regain his feet and position. He felt those word die without ever having had the chance to fight for Shepard's dignity as his gaze is met by the most beautiful pair of brown eyes he has ever seen.


	3. Chapter 3: Brown Eyes

"I'm sorry there, I didn't see you standing there. Here. Against the wall. Well, you're not really against the wall but..." Shepard muttered breathlessly as he helped the young marine to his feet. His eyes had begun to catalogue the sight before him, starting with that smooth, unlined face and that hair he was sure wasn't a natural product of genetics. He felt the burn of embarrassment creep further up his throat and cheeks and prayed fervently to whatever deity would listen that his words would fail to reach the beautiful curve of those ears before him. Apparently, some higher power took pity on him and managed to condemn those words to a quick and silent death as the marine stood up, without much help from Shepard he might add, and dusted himself off while turning to see whether there really was a krogan aboard the _SSV Normandy_. As the marine turned to look at him, his eyes quickly taking in the sight of Shepard's rank stitched onto his military uniform, Shepard's military training rose up from the tattered dregs of his pride and he schooled his face into one of slight professional concern, an officer who had seen his subordinate make a fool of himself and needed brotherly camaraderieship in order to wipe away the embarrassment.

Nevermind that Shepard's stomach had begun to grow warmer by the second and felt like Eezo fairies were doing the tango through his gut.

"Staff Lieutentant Kaidan Alenko, sir! I... uh... I'm sorry if I was in your way, Lieutenant. I... uh... I'm really sorry and... uh... didn't mean to... just stand here. The CIC is looking pretty tight at the moment and this was the only place I could wait without being run over... sir." Kaidan was looking at a point directly over the lieutenant's shoulder as he tired to spout off his apology with as much military finesse as he could muster under the circumstances, though he felt his pitch alter slightly as he struggled to find the right words to cover his fall. As his words ran down, and the silence stretched to an uncomfortable point, his eyes shifted slightly off the bulkhead that he had been staring at, trying to catch little bits of the other lieutenant's face in order to gauge how angry the other man was. Kaidan hoped that the other man wouldn't notice the very slight and quick movement of his eyes as he begins to compile an image of the man silently standing in front of him, through the strobe like flickering of instant speed images. Crew cut hair, almost a skinhead, with a slight crescent-shaped scar along the base of where a fringe would be. Stubbled jaw, strong and rugged. Lips that looked too soft and full for a marine, especially one who was about to rip into a junior officer. A sharp nose, with even sharper cheekbones. He decided to try his luck and glanced at the man's eyes, wondering if he would see the tell-tale signs of suppressed anger; tight lines against the edge, a smouldering heat barely contained and downward pointing brows. Kaidan almost recoils in shock as he stares at the lieutenant's eyes. He'd once been on a short family trip to Belize with his mother and father and one of the most spectacular sights he had seen was a huge, marine sinkhole, so completely and naturally blue that he felt part of himself being sucked into it. It had terrified him slightly but in a primal and beautiful way it had also captured his appreciation and respect for it and, during the course of the holiday, he began to draw comfort in the sight and longed to have that feeling stay with him for as long as possible. That brief glimpse into the other man's eyes made him feel more than he would have thought possible and made the Belize sinkhole looked like a thimbleful of tepid water. His throat tightened and he swallowed convulsively as he wrestled with his body's reaction, trying his damned hardest to return his look back over the lieutenant's shoulder and at least maintain a shred of military dignity.

"Kaidan Alenko, I'm Lieutenant John Shepard. I'm afraid the fault was mine. I wasn't really looking where I was going and didn't see you there." Shepard spoke strongly and surely, his Commanding Officer voice, after a brief pause and some mental gymnastics in which he tried to come up with the safest way to respond to the stuttering words that Kaidan had shot out. _He's really adorable,_ Shepard thought to himself and was grateful that the Staff Lieutenant's intriguingly deep, brown eyes had hovered back over to that spot above his shoulder so that he could have free reign to appreciate the sight before him. He wondered how he could pick up a conversation with the taut, young man standing stiffly in front of him when a corner of his mind registered a shift in the background, colours changing from orange to green.

His gaze shifted quickly and he went to attention as Commander David Anderson stepped out of the Comm Room, a turian with uniquely elegant white and black facial markings wrapped up in powerful-looking red and dark grey armour following closely behind, almost gliding across the floor with a deadly grace that was further emphasized by the bobbing walk that was a characteristic of their people. _He moves like a heavy-weight championship wrestler about to head in for a brawl, _Shepard considered as his honed military instincts took over. He placed Kaidan into the back of his mind, where he settled comfortably among his thoughts, and analysed the turian's gait and predatory gleam.

"Ah Shepard, there you are. I see you've already met Staff Lieutenant Alenko. He's a good man, a good biotic. He's got some technical specialities but not a lot of field training. He'll be joining our crew and helping Joker as co-pilot during mission downtimes. Lieutenant Alenko, you were briefed on the capabilities of the Normandy and her crew before you came aboard. If you run into any trouble, come and talk to me." Anderson turned slightly in order to look at both Alliance marines while simultaneously including the turian in his field of view. "This is Nihlus, a Council SPECTRE and he's here on... classified orders from the Citadel Council." The slight pause made Shepard wonder exactly what kind of classified orders were about to be dumped into the Normandy's, and by extension her crew's, lap. Kaidan remained standing ramrod straight and stared at nothing, his eyes occasionally shifting between the three other individuals who were having a conversation that seemed to be going over his head. Anderson picked up where he left off, turning fully again to look directly at both Shepard and Kaidan, while thoughts bubbled through the head of both his junior officers, "Despite what you might think, Nihlus is also here at my request. Not just the Council's. I expect you both to be civil to him at all times. Remember, SPECTREs are above any law save those placed upon them by the Council..."

Nihlus stood just behind Anderson's blind spot as the Commander continued speaking to Shepard and Kaidan and appeared to be slouched on an invisible railing that lent him an air of casualness. His stare, however, spoke of a vastly different story as he meticulously and determinedly dissected everything that it landed upon, including the Lieutenant and Staff Lieutenant as they listened to Anderson describe Nihlus' capabilities and history with the Commander. The turian's face mirrored that juxtaposition between his posture and (what could only be considered) his glare, and despite how it looked almost expressionless, there were small movements that seemed intense and thought out, the twitch of a face scale just over the eye. A shift of a mandible up and down ever so slightly. A shallow lowering of a jaw to expose short and very sharp teeth briefly. These were things that Shepard had begun noticing, letting a small part of his brain calculate how dangerous the turian really was while he listened to Commander Anderson and stored the conversation for later, to be reviewed in case he missed anything. _If he's a SPECTRE then he's probably plenty dangerous_, Shepard berated himself and turned his full attention once more to conversation as Anderson winds down.

"... and for that reason, we'll be heading through the Arcturus Relay and toward Eden Prime. Any questions?" Anderson's firm and level stare is a strong indicator that he doesn't think that there should be any questions for him after such a detailed briefing, though he placed his feet apart in a slightly more relaxed stance in case some needed to be asked.

"No, sir." Shepard and Kaidan replied almost simultaneously. That little ball of Kaidan that he thought he had hidden away in the deeper recesses of his mind was beginning to stir and he could almost feel it stretching tentative fingers over parts of him that would have placed him in a very embarrassing position had anyone present learned of the thoughts that he chased around in his head.

Anderson's mouth tugged ever so slightly in one corner, a twitch that could not even be considered movement, let alone a smile. "Then you're both dismissed. Lieutenant Alenko, I'd appreciate it if you went to the bridge and helped Joker with any system diagnostics as we approach the Arcturus Relay. Shepard, I'd like to have a word with you." Kaidan immediately saluted the Commander and almost stiffly marched past the Galaxy Map and over to the cock pit, knowing full well how touchy pilots could be about their vessels. Even with his rank thrown in, Kaidan lacked any specific military advantage in the situation, considering that Joker was a Flight Lieutenant embedded in his element, biotically strapping his wrists to the chair not withstanding. For a brief second, Shepard's eyes tracked the Lieutenant as he marched to the fore and lingered over Kaidan's back and defined arms. He gained a momentary glance of a butt muscle tightening as the Lieutenant took a step up onto the cockpit hallway and Shepard desperately considered using his omni-tool to snap a picture. The sound of a throat being cleared immediately whips his vision in a blurry motion straight back to Anderson and Nihlus, who had apparently taken the opportunity to withdraw back into the Comm Room.

"So Shepard, what do you think of the latest addition to the Normandy? And drop that stoic act with me, you don't need to pretend I'm your prom date's father." Anderson's face changed as his smile grew slightly wider and more welcoming. Shepard wondered deep down whether his closeness to Anderson was due in part to the fact that the man was almost like a father figure to him and he smiled slowly while he let his body relax from its previous stiffness.

"I'm not sure, sir. Were you referring to Lieutenant Alenko or Nihlus?" Shepard asked with a smile.

"Don't play coy with me Shepard, you know as well as I do that Nihlus is here temporarily. What he's here to do is above our standard classification levels and so long as you don't get in his way, he wont step on your ass as he walks out the air lock" The humour in Anderson's voice grew stronger as he relaxed more into the patterns that he so often adopted when he was speaking to Shepard alone.

Shepard's thoughts turned inward as he analysed all the information he had about Kaidan during his very brief encounter. "He seemed capable enough sir, probably a little green around the edges and he's excited to join the Normandy from what I saw. I'm sure he'll fit right in with the rest of the crew if he can stop using his military rank and training as a shield".

Anderson's laughter exited his mouth like a shuttle and ended as abruptly as the same shuttle's bay doors closing. "Damn right you are Shepard, but hell that's what I'd have said about you the first time you came aboard the Normandy. Didn't think you'd ever go past looking at the other crewmen in the face let alone becoming so damned friendly with the lot of them after such a short stay. Hell, I'd wager that the Lieutenant will be able to make more friends than you, in less the time!"

Shepard turned towards the cockpit but couldn't see any sign of Kaidan from his vantage. His thoughts started to slow down and churn more contemplatively as he recalled something that he'd seen in the Lieutenant's warm, brown eyes. Coldness. Pain. Suffering and neglect. A past and a story.

He turned again to Anderson and this time, a smile doesn't grace his face as he half-heartedly agreed. "I'm sure you're right sir. I guess he'll do well enough on the Normandy."

Anderson's eyebrow twitched ever so slightly at the lack of a witty and ribbing response from Shepard but he placed his thoughts aside and came back to his professional military form, like slipping into an old and comfortable jacket, "Well Shepard, you're in charge of him now. He'll be going with you to recon Eden Prime. Standard Three Formation for recon teams. I'll want a tactical analysis of his competence after the mission is over and your recommendations as to how suited he'll be. If you can find a suitable spot for him on our team, technical or biotic expertise to the front, even better."

Shepard remained only partially aware of Anderson's request as he shifted and flipped the insight he had recognized about Staff Lieutenant Alenko. Dark thoughts that lurked and stalked him. Something else, something more. Of course, he'd needed every member of his team fighting fit, with no distractions, and it would be his duty to approach Kaidan and see if he needed to have a weight taken off his chest or mind. A strong, fierce and confusing desire to protect and care about the stuttering young officer began to take seed in Shepard's heart, growing gentle roots deeper and deeper into his consideration of one Kaidan Alenko. "Yes sir, I wont disappoint you sir." Shepard replied, though with a little less of his usual commanding tone and military efficiency. Shepard's emotional state had confused him, making him unsure as to whether his concern for Kaidan was merely that of a senior officer and his subordinate, or something much more complex.

"Very well, Shepard." Anderson interrupted with a dismissal, knowing that when Shepard got that look in his eyes, he was thinking about his past or at least contemplating something of great magnitude. "We'll be approaching the relay in just a few more moments at this speed. I'd recommend you head down to quarters and get your armour on. With a mission like this, going in almost blind, I'd like to think you'd want to be fully covered Shepard. Dismissed."

Without waiting for Shepard's salute, Anderson turned and walked back through the Comm Room doors to join Nihlus in getting everything ready for Eden Prime.

Shepard snaps out of his brooding just as the Comm Room door slides shut with a hiss and barely had time to stop himself from saluting the empty air around him with a snapped off salutation. He glanced around and with a deep breath, let's out a quiet sigh as he about-faced and trudged down the stairwell to his quarters to gear up for the mission. His footfalls sounded heavy on the metal platform and he wondered if his thoughts had weighed down more than just what was floating around in his head.

He made a left at the bottom of the stairs and went slowly past the thick shaft of the elevator that seemed to clog up the middle of the crew deck. As he approached his personal locker to begin removing the parts of his armour that he would need to pull on, as well as the standard issue M-7 Lancer, he heard the sound of the medical bay doors opening and overheard Doctor Chakwas as she spoke to someone over her omni-tool.

"-yes Commander. Yes. I have all the details you asked for concerning the L2 biotic implants and the list of potential side-effects. Yes, sir..." Her voice faded away as she walked quickly and efficiently up toward the Command Deck. _Probably going to see Anderson about something_, Shepard thought to himself as he gathered up his gear and headed over to the personal rooms that the marines had for putting on and removing armour. Not really an armoury and definately not a fitting room as the term was understood. As he stepped in, he felt the drier and cooler air wrap itself around him and he took deep, controlled breaths to avoid the drier air from aggravating his lungs in a fit of dry coughing. He mechanically stripped himself of his military uniform and methodically folded the pieces and placed them on the bench, to be brought back and kept in his locker once he had donned his armour. The very slim mirror to his side reflected his powerful legs and well-turned calves as he bent over to pull on the nano-fibre, microfilament undergarment that was always worn under the armour.

_L2 implant? And something to do with biotics? Anderson mentioned that Lieutenant Kaidan's a biotic,_ Shepard continually pulled at the tangled knot of information that rolled around in his brain. He instinctively glanced at his crotch as he pulled the flimsy, black material up and over to his narrow waist and hips. He glimpsed a heavy set of balls and a slightly thick cock that was turned slightly to the side, the head bigger than the base of the shaft. Trimmed hairs that were neat and comfortable without causing any itchy sensations as they rubbed against the tight-fitting haptically sensitive material. The foreskin that rested halfway over the tip of the cock head was the last thing he registered as he snapped the material over the faint line of hair that lead from his crotch up to just under his tight bellybutton and well-defined stomach. He turned quickly to make sure that it rested comfortably across the back and looked at his ass in the mirror. _At least I can't see all of my ass in this tiny sliver of glass. Now that would be embarrassing, _he mused. Suddenly, an image of Kaidan moving slowly up the steps to speak to Joker appeared unbidden in his mind, he watched the way the tight and thick swell of muscle rose up and threatened to pop right out of those military pants. He wondered how they would feel against his hand, soft and yielding like warm, fresh bread but firm and strong as he would squeeze harder.

_Dammit John! You're turning into a damned perv if you keep going down that road! Give the man time to adjust to the ship and crew at least!_ Shepard continued to thrash himself mentally despite his groin growing heavier and thicker, as it swelled in response appreciatively to the images that he had just unwittingly fed to it. He stood up now, all business and quickly snapped on his greaves, boots and the rest of the armour that covered his lower body. He fitted the groin plate snuggly (perhaps a little too snuggly if that damned swell refused to go down) and pulled on his chest plate, arm guards, shoulder pauldrons and tactile gloves. Just as the last safety strap clicked into place, a metallic, yet clear voice that always seemed to have sarcastic undertones rang sharply though every part of the Normandy.

"Commander Anderson, this is Joker here. We're approaching the Mass Relay in five minutes."

Anderson's loud and clear voice responded immediately through the same channels. "Very good Mr. Moreau. SPECTRE Nihlus will be there presently to oversee our progress through the Arcturus Relay. All crew, brace yourselves for entry into Mass Relay and all hands prepare for jump. Anderson out."

Shepard realized that as Executive Officer, he should have been in the cockpit as well. Or at the very least, somewhere near the bridge. All thoughts of Kaidan fled his mind as his military training asserted itself and his calm, cool centre returned and solidified around his stomach. The feeling spread out across his body and his frame and he triggered the last actualization protocol of his armour that would synergize it with the under suit's haptic response feeds as well as begin monitoring procedures of his shield and vital signs. When he felt the system become fully operational, he strapped on his grenade and medi-gel pouch, grabbed his discarded clothing in one arm and the Lancer in the other. He stepped out and nearly ran to his locker to dump everything inside and slammed the door back with a bang that almost makes him cringe at the thought of Joker discovering even this little bit of abuse against his beloved Normandy. He wondered how Kaidan had fared alongside that controlling, sarky little man and allowed his mouth to tug upwards in a brief smile. As he strapped his helmet to his hip, he turned and closed his eyes for a second, feeling the Normandy through his armour. As he opened the clear, blue pools of his eyes, he walked toward the stairwell and emerged out into the CIC just as Joker's voice broke through the ship wide comm network.

"The Arcturus Prime Relay is in range. Initiating transmission sequence."

The Stargazer ends the entry with a smile. He always thought that Joker was amazing and his big-headed self confidence was certainly well-deserved after all the things that he had done for Normandy and her crew over the years. He stares awhile longer at the datapad in his hand and the smile continues to tug across his mouth as he goes over the way that Shepard had first responded to Kaidan and, he had to admit, the balls that it took to write something down about such an experience without the fear of someone hacking his private server and commandeering all those embarrassing tid-bits of information. That, or finding the datapad that it was written on and sneaking it away for a good laugh and read.

He turns to the flash-boil pot that he had set up to brew a fresh cup of coffee and is surprised to see that the water has already gone down to just above room temperature. _Damn, I couldn't have been sitting here reading this that long, did I?_

He empties the pot into the disposal unit again, (he had read somewhere that re-boiling water that had already been boiled wasn't very good for you even in this day and age), and sets the pot with half its full capacity of water back into the powered base on the top of the counter, just to the side of the sink. He presses down against the switch and hears the water immediately broil and frolic within the pot. Carefully preparing himself a rather large cup of premium roast (at least as premium as can be with the limited number of supplies that this colony receives), he stirs in a small amount of sugar and carries the cup and datapad carefully back to his sanctuary under the stairs. As he approaches the writing table with the interface still beeping up at him, he sets that mug down and, with one glance at the datapad in his hand, places it carefully in a corner of the table. He picks up another datapad that highlights itself under the title _CITADEL/NOVERIA_ and he smiles as he takes a sip of the already cooling coffee, that carries a hint of sweetness onto his tongue, and continues to read.


	4. Chapter 4: Eden Prime

The Stargazer pauses.

Wait a minute. I was sure that Doctor T'Soni forwarded me some tiny and obscure vid recordings and entries about Eden Prime.

He puts down the datapad that is a collection of information gathered concerning the Normandy's team and their first prolonged experience with the Council and the Citadel as well as information, debriefings and personal considerations about the mission to Noveria.

He swings his chair back slowly and grumbles to himself about joints that are certainly aching more and more each night, especially after carrying little (maybe he wasn't that little after all) children back up to their rooms after a stark walk in the cold. The pacing to and fro from the study to the kitchen doesn't really help either, but at least he's grateful that he can continue his research and preparations here in his study.

He turns towards one of the many dominating shelves that runs along the two diagonal right sides of his cosy, little sanctuary and runs his eyes almost loving along the books, items and memorabilia that are crowded along in neat and crammed little rows, like a civilian passenger queue at an extremely busy docking port. His eyes drift slowly down towards the bottom shelf and sees a tray of vid-chips that he'd stored there long ago, small tabs that contained only a few minutes of vids each and weren't of any major historical significance since their focus tended to be on much smaller, even mundane, matters and people that history tended to ignore. To him, they were priceless. Each was a valuable and carefully treasured memory of incidents and experiences that would never be found again, perhaps because of their insignificance, and should the occasion warrant it and a fire spread through his home, he'd wrap the boy and this box of trinkets in a blanket and rush them out of the dwelling before anything else.

The problem was, in his opinion, sometimes they lacked enough substance to allow for a full story on their own. They would provide the fat on the meat, but he'd still need the meat to make a decent meal. He carefully bends down and starts to run his slender fingers along each vid-chip, slowly muttering to himself as his thoughts wander and turn in his head. Every now and then, he pauses, considers a chip and removes it from it's holding cell, placing it onto his other hand carefully. After just a few moments of freeing several more inmates from their confines, he has a collection of five to seven chips in his hand. He breathes a satisfied sound and turns carefully and makes his way back to his seat.

He places each vid in front of him, neat and in a row, considering how best to arrange them in a sequence that anyone would find appealing. With his frustration building he twists his chair around several times and scratches the back of his neck in apparent thought. His eyes rove the shelves around him, searching for inspiration, searching for something, _anything_, that would give him the shock of creativity that he so desperately needs. Nothing stirs.

Perhaps if I just watched them together, something might hit me.

He arranges each vid in chronological order and starts with the first. It is a short eight second clip from a security cam-bot that was stationed over the Prothean Beacon bay on Eden Prime. He watches as Kaidan Alenko accidentally activates the beacon and is suddenly lifted into the air. He goes rigid with shock and suddenly a charging Shepard pushes him out of the way and takes the full force of the beacon attempting to relay alien information into his mind. He collapses as the beacon shatters and Kaidan pulls himself up and rushes to Shepard's side. Then it stops. Subsequently, a short written statement follows up and describes a personal report that Kaidan had written down about his experience on Eden Prime and Shepard.

Kaidan couldn't believe he'd done something so stupid. How could he have been so careless and almost gotten himself killed on Eden Prime.

_Gotten myself or Shepard killed_. Despite himself, he blanched white at the thought of being in any way related to any incident that would have harmed Shepard and stopped for a moment, wondering where that obscure, little feeling came from. Sure the man had mystifyingly, blue eyes but he wasn't so starved for companionship that he'd tumble just about anyone, especially not his senior officer.

He paused again. Why on Earth was he thinking about Shepard that way and picturing himself hooking up with the Lieutenant? Must be some post-fight feelings that he hadn't worked out of his system yet.

Shepard interrupted his thought before it could continue. Shepard groaned ever so slightly as he stirred and sat up slowly, trying desperately not to let the visions that were unleashed by the beacon overwhelm his mind. Doctor Chakwas walked up to him from behind Kaidan and immediately began to debrief him about the events that occurred post-mission. Shepard was still groggy, his eyes unfocused and hazy, as he tried to keep up with Chakwas and their conversation.

Kaidan was taking the opportunity to study Shepard from his vantage behind him, watching the way his arm rippled as he reach up over to his forehead and an overwhelming feeling of wanting to reach out to Shepard almost made him step forward. He just barely managed to swallow the words that he wanted to say and took a deep breath before saying instead, "It was my fault. I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it." He could feel the slight burn of embarrassment as it slowly stained his cheeks and hoped that Shepard didn't notice the way he was slowly shifting back and forth on his feet. "You had to push me out of the way." he muttered lamely as he tried to maintain eye contact with his senior officer. He stood there, waiting to be called down for his thoughtless actions, for Shepard to tell him that his words weren't enough, to hear that-

"You had no way to know what would happen" Shepard retorted, his features still slightly squinted from the way that the dull throb was trying to bore its way out of his skull.

Kaidan's eyes widened slightly. He stood there speechless. Of all the scenarios that he had been flailing himself with in his head, this certainly didn't count as one of them. He saw the way Shepard tried to look up at him despite the pain that must have been almost too much to bear and a the blush that he had managed to trap away returned in greater force. He looked to the side and smiled slightly before remembering his place, and that Dr. Chakwas was giving them both a rather considering stare, and schooled his face back to a more proper military blankness.

Kaidan had just managed to snag himself a snack in the mess, biotics needed much more calories than the average marine, and had just begun to tick off some technical data on his omni-tool. With one arm half-raised to his face and while the other mechanically brought the protein, carbohydrate and fat rich (but mostly tasteless) bar up to his mouth he wandered around the crew deck and was trying to make sense of all the ship specifics and technical developments. Turian technology, while not so different in processing compared to human technology and their binary systems, did have enough discrepancies that Kaidan felt slight lagged and awkward in trying to identify everything that his omni-tool was throwing out at him. A small and minor beep signalled that the template that he was attempting to utilize didn't have enough processing power to directly interface with both his omni-tool and the schematics that he was trying to access directly from the ships mainframe server. Looking up, he saw what appeared to be a small row of consoles and, with grim determination, made his way over to see if he could use the console to create a direct access link between the ship and the smaller tech piece that hovered over his arm.

The work was calming and soothing. The monotony and ordered processes felt right and comfortable, like he was slipping into an old habit. The work crowded this thoughts, chasing away the errant way he kept wondering how Shepard was doing. Whether he'd be okay, and whether that look he gave him meant anything. The empty bar wrapper went into his pocket as he continued tinkering. A beep interrupted the pattern that he was hoping to weave himself into.

_Dammit. The firewalls are keeping me out. Maybe I can try a remote bypass to access non-specific areas of-_

He bent over to look under the console with the intent to start tinkering around and quite suddenly felt the soft vibrations of footfalls moving closer towards him. He froze and hoped that it didn't look like he was doing something that went against the regs, or at the very least hoped that he didn't look suspicious at all. A bead of sweat began to slide down his forehead as his nervousness betrayed him. _Better to make it look like nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Come on soldier, act casual_. He slowly stood up and turned, trying to make it look like he just happened to be bent over working hard at whatever technical systems the console provided and wiped away that single drop with a casual motion.

_Ah, Hell_. He thought that things couldn't get worse as Shepard made his careful way across from the mess and made a beeline straight for him. In a moment of absolute and giddy panic, Kaidan's mind fumbled with the words and in near desperation lets fly the first thing that comes to mind.

"Commander, I'm glad to see that you're okay."

_What? Why did that have to be the first thing that fell from his lips?_ He didn't realize that he's still subconsciously talking and winced at mentioning Jenkins and their run in with the geth back on Eden Prime. As Shepard picked up the conversation and Kaidan responded as best he could without overstepping his bounds, Kaidan drinks in the sight of the man before him. The slight tightening of the corners of his eyes, indicating that the pain had faded but wasn't completely gone. The full lips that moved imperceptively and that deep and tranquil voice as it ran warm, caressing fingers along his ears and into his brain. He tried to stop himself from staring at those endlessly captivating eyes, aware that once he started he'd have been rendered speechless and would continue to stare unblinkingly even if the Normandy were shot down from orbit.

Suddenly, he became aware of his body's reaction to Shepard's close proximity and, coupled with his juvenile day-dreams, had begun to feel a tightening in his pants. He swallowed hard and had to focus most of his willpower in order to keep up with what Shepard was saying. He tried imagining himself in many different, uncomfortable scenarios but Shepard's voice was beginning to drown out all other thoughts. He felt a warmth collect in his chest and frightenedly tracked its progress as it languidly made it's way down his stomach, growing deeper and warmer by the second. His cock was beginning to stiffen and press against the fabric of his military pants and, with a quick apology, desperately began to imagine Doctor Chakwas giving Commander Vyrnnus a lap dance wearing nothing but a frilly, pink apron. His ardour quickly recoiled at the vivid mental image and he breathed a sigh of relief as he comes once more to the present and focuses on the conversation with Shepard. Hopefully, and he felt guilty at himself for thinking of it, the lingering pain would have distracted Shepard enough that he didn't realize about the fierce internal struggle that Kaidan was having with himself and his libido. Wary of letting the other man's voice rally back those thoughts, Kaidan tried to move away from Shepard without appearing too rude or insubordinate.

"What ever happens, we'll be ready Commander", Kaidan said, hoping that he managed to inject some measure of confidence and finality into that statement. Shepard's slight quirk of the mouth was almost enough to have Kaidan involuntarily reach out to rub his thumb along the other man's cheek. As Shepard turned to walk away, Kaidan let out a deep and, hopefully inaudible, breath and decided that this was a highly inappropriate state in which to meet the Citadel council. He turned his omni-tool to standby as he carefully made his way to the crew quarters and hoped that he could at least have a few minutes of privacy, since most of the crew were making preparations on the Citadel approach, to take himself in hand and thrash out all these confusing and distracting feelings that were beginning to take root between himself and Commander Shepard.


	5. Chapter 5: Strobe To Noveria

The entry ends and he rubs his slightly aching neck as he considers what he'd just read. With a breathy sigh, he thinks to himself, _Who would have thought Kaidan, with his tight control over his emotions and almost fanatical adherence to rank and file, would have been so angsty and pining away._ The Stargazer grins to himself. _I can't believe how blind those two were. Then again, I guess since they were so unfamiliar with each other, it was probably really hard to tell what those facial twitches meant._ With a yawn and a stretch he makes a blind grab for his large and quite ungainly mug of coffee and almost promptly spews brown liquid all over his work interface. Thankfully, he clamps his lips shut before his mouth and throat can manage to eject the offendingly cold intruder out of his system. Forcing a swallow, he grimaces and places the coffee back at the corner of his table, glaring at it accusingly, as if it were to blame for it's sorry state.

With a quick twist, he turns back to the vid-chips that are still arrayed before him, placing the Eden Prime piece back at the head of the row. His fingers slowly dance across each consecutive piece, hastily and briefly scrolling through each entry that is arrayed before him. He wonders about just putting them together as they are time-stamped, like a literary strobe of events:

A Citadel surveillance footage from the Rapid Transit system. Kaidan's first reaction to the Citadel with Ashely Williams, how they all stand and appreciate the view and contemplate and dissect their different thoughts and feelings. How Kaidan accidentally let's slip that he thinks Shepard is a beautiful man. Shepard's slight twitch of an eye, barely noticeable through the vid or to his two companions, and the politically appropriate way he refuses to acknowledge the slip.

Shepard's entry. The Prothean architecture of the Council Chambers with towering pink trees that seem unnaturally soft and looked like it was glowing with an otherworldly radiance. How such faint colours reminded him of that blush he noticed on Kaidan's flushed cheeks as he kept verbally tripping over himself. The small stirrings it rose within himself that he had refused to acknowledge.

Ashley Williams, private data log sent to her sister Sarah. Their discussions about Commander Shepard. The makeshift poem that she attempted to write about him and had deleted from her omni-tool. Her admiration for his professionalism and honourable conduct in her presence, her embarrassing attempts at flirting and dry, dry humour. Her suspicions about Shepard and Kaidan and how her desire to find out almost drove her mad in the tight confines of the ship. How she manages to get closer to Kaidan and, getting him slightly more drunk that usual, manages to confirm her theories. Her slowly growing pleasure at seeing the strained closeness that was forming between the two of them and the hope that it would build into something more. Her last poem, deleted, failed to send to Kaidan, as an inspirational message to 'get his ass moving and make good with the Commander, with all due respect LT'.

Doctor Karin Chakwas. Medical investigation and compiled personal input on the subject of Kaidan Alenko, L2 implant. Her patient and calm descriptions to the Commander, who looked shifty and concerned, as she tried to give him as much information as she could about the L2 implant that was imbedded within the Lieutenant. The way her curiosity also began to spike and she took it upon herself to do some extra research on the subject, but due to the limited contact with surviving L2s, lacked any full-bodied data. Her growing amusement as Shepard keeps coming over to her to ask how Kaidan, and his implant, is doing. She can only give him what she had already given him before. Her growing impatience and frustration as Shepard meticulously returns to ask the same questions. The consideration of their relationship and the comfortable warmth that spreads through her as she smiles each time she observes them watching each other so cautiously.

Doctor Liara T'Soni. Debriefing and details forwarded to her personal computer after Therum. Thoughts on her mission and her mother Benezia which appears edited. The writing she did about Commander Shepard, coming in to save her from the geth and her Prothean prison. How his intuition, cunning and reckless bravery sparked feelings within her that she constantly attributed to her Maiden life-stage. The attraction to sex, to danger and the tentative tastes in the air she can feel around Shepard that reflects those things her instincts are screaming at her to take, to touch. Her failed attempts at flirting with the man, and her rushed confessions about how she feels. How, as he checks up on her time and again, she senses the pheromone shift that indicates his immense attraction that _isn't_ her. How she scours the crew, one at a time, isolating and stalking them into dark corners so that she could gauge who it was that held the Commander's heart, using the excuse of friendship and starting conversations to do so. Her shock as she befriends Kaidan, and realizes that the pheromone patterns match Shepard's, like a bright, shining holo that jabs itself at both men. Her disappointment and anguish, about how those two felt so _right_. Her smile as she allows herself happiness for the man she admires and the man she has begun to call friend.

Crew reports. Personal data entry logs, diary writings, personal acclamation reports and ship-wide mass message packets. How they notice the Commander's growing concern for one special person aboard the Normandy. They always see him head straight down to the crew quarters after every mission, sometimes even neglecting to head down and remove and clean his arms and armour, and hesitates as he approaches the Lieutenant. Always the Lieutenant first. The tiniest bounce in his step as he walks away from their conversations and the head lost in thought as crew member's salutes are not returned and forgotten. The Lieutenant, always stationed outside the Commander's room, working on that same console. There were many other consoles around the ship they reasoned, and never did they think to tell the Lieutenant that. Smiles that sometimes crawled over their faces to see their Commander as excited as they've ever seen him.

_Nothing really worth mentioning, such small amounts of personal information, _the Stargazer muses to himself as he places down the last vid-chip. Sometimes, reading these snippets makes him want to tear his old, white hair out by their weakened roots as the feelings of frustration builds within him. He can't believe how _blind _those two were! Almost every single person on the Normandy came to realize the connection that was forming between Shepard and Kaidan and they had to wait till Ilos before even thinking of going all the way!

_Calm yourself, man. It's in the past. It's over and done with and besides, _he thinks as collects the vid-chips and places them off to the side, picking up the report of Noveria, _there's still a long way to go_. Despite himself, he smiles and reaches instinctively for the almost forgotten cup of frigid caffeine while he reads over the entries compiled from witnesses, squad-mates, security footage and the accounts of the soldiers that were stationed on Peak 15.

"Hostiles on your six!" Kaidan yelled through their group comm system.

His amp was already starting to spark as the bluish-purple nimbus of his biotics momentarily encompassed him and he prepared to send out a Lift to hold the rachni in place for the rest of the soldiers and his team mates to easily gun down. He whipped his pistol out in the same moment that his Lift left his other hand and he firmly grasped the butt of the weapon in both hands as he squeezed off one shot after another, looking for weaknesses amid armour plating and thrashing tentacles, trying to make each shot count. Liara's responded to the presence of the rachni just as quickly, and out of the corner of his vision he watched her gracefully unfurl her hand as she threw a Warp at the nearest monster, pausing to pull out her oversized shotgun.

The biotic feedback washed over them both as the reactions between the two forces caused the first few rachni to smash themselves with armour-shearing force against the frozen metal flooring of the room. Kaidan could still feel the after-effects as the glow surrounding the creatures winked out and sputtered, their forces spent, and mentally ticked down the time in his head as he prepared another Lift to keep the remaining rachni from overrunning them, hoping to send them floating helplessly up into the air. The thought curled and evaporated in his head as a storm of rounds broke away from behind him, each hit meticulously placed to hit a compound eye, leg joint, mouth part or abdomen and he felt like he was standing still amongst a swirl of miniature shooting stars. The energy that he had collected and prepared to throw out filled the back of his mind as more points of light curved their way around him landing on the enemy in front of him with surgical precision.

He turned around and saw Shepard, calmly folding and holstering his assault rifle, the constant beeping of the overheat sink a counterpoint to his face blank and serious face. Shepard raked his view around his team mates and surveyed the work he had done, like an artist who had just finished the last touches on his masterpiece. After a few sweeps, he turned to look at Kaidan and he swore that he saw the tiniest nod and smile being directed at him before Shepard schooled his face back to blankness, turned around and resumed his conversation with Captain Ventralis.

Kaidan forced his amp to cool down and let the energy that he was holding dissipate harmlessly around him in invisible waves that he felt more than saw and saw Liara powering down at the same time as she stowed her shotgun away and began taking deep breaths. _That thing had to be awkward for her_, he thinks of the large and ungainly shotgun that she had wielded,_ Maybe it'd be a good idea to help her get used to it, especially since she's part of the team now_.

With the intent of seeing how Liara was holding up, he took a step towards her as she noticed his movements, looked up and smiled at him. He took another step before he felt it. A tingle. A whisper of something sharp being pulled against the amp that is nestled at the base of his skull. His eyes widen in shock and denial that leaves him momentarily frozen on the spot and he kept muttering to himself, _No no no, this isn't the time for this to be happening. No, damn it, no!_

Liara immediately noticed the change that washed over him and the concern that played across her face sent spikes of panic shooting through his head and down his spine. He knew that feeling intimately, like an old friend, one he hated and wished he'd never had met. The tingle from the amp had begun to grow insistent and he shook his head at Liara as Shepard had just finished getting permission to access the inner areas of Rift Station. He had a feeling that that last fight might have been the cause, along with being thrown straight into his first real, prolonged battle together with the energy that he had been holding in through his amp.

With a quick, backward glance, Shepard gathered up the rest of his team and slowly and carefully made his way into the deeper recesses. Looking forward and back straight, Shepard was hardly to blame when he didn't notice the slight tightening of Kaidan's eyes and the way the amp was ratcheting up around his spinal column. He felt a small and demure hand place itself against the small of Kaidan's back and he silently thanked Liara for guiding him through the long passage. He knew that he was lucky compared to most other L2s and 'only' had to suffer brain crunching migraines, rather than a host of other horrifying disabilities such as a complete shutdown of his nervous system, spontaneous brain haemorrhages or permanent and incurable quadriplegia. As the first tentative spikes of pain began to finger their way slowly through his cranial cavity, the lights of the passageway started to strobe into his mind, the soft, white light becoming harsh and alien to him. He tried to distract himself with other thoughts, tried to will the migraine away and be a strong and healthy soldier for the mission.

_I can't believe I told everyone that I don't wear underwear,_ he deliriously thought to himself. The uncomfortable silence that had followed his careless and casual comments about the planet's cold and his bodily reaction to it had almost coloured his armour as red as his face, and he knew that anything he said would have made it all the more worse, especially considering the way Shepard almost tripped and fell off the docking platform.

_Shouldn't have mentioned that Benezia wore an outfit fit for an extranet fetish site either,_ he thought tiredly as the slow fingers of pain began to stab faster through his temples, remembering the way Liara's face started to turn purple and her eyes and mouth made three perfect little circles on her beautiful face. It was a good thing that Shepard had been about to walk into the complex, as Kaidan was sure that the way he flinched and stood frozen for a few seconds would have spelled disaster if her really _did_ fall off the side of the platform. _He's probably thinking I'm some dirty, kinky soldier who can't keep my hands to myself,_ he told himself disgustedly and kept berating himself as strongly as the pain that threatened to overwhelm him.

He was so busy on his single-minded task that he failed to realize that he had stopped moving and was actually crouched in the passageway, with Liara's hands moving slowly up and down his spinal column outside of his armour, trying her best not to touch the sensitive and inflamed area where his amp was jacked into his central nervous system. He heard a distant yell of "Shepard!" from her and wondered dreamily what it was for, whether there were more big bug things to shoot at and that he had to get up and protect Shepard. He tried to stand and only succeeded in falling over onto his side as the lights of the tunnel continued to shine through his eyelids and turned his world hot and burning white.

Kaidan was dreaming. He had to be. Felt so light. So right.

Someone was carrying him. He snuggled up close against whatever it was he was pressed up against. It made him feel safe, and protected, and he wasn't even sure why.

He could lay there, like this, forever. So safe. He grunted as he was placed carefully onto something soft. Comfortable against the back of his head. Someone was rolling him onto his side.

Echoes of orders and commands coming from somewhere behind him. A cool and tingly feeling, not the rough, rasping tingle of his amp, spread across his neck and the base of his head.

Soothed the pain very slightly. A familiar scent hit him. _Medi-gel_, he thought. _That's not right. Medi-gel shouldn't be working like this_.

The lights dimmed, probably because of the door as it hissed shut.

He was glad to be alone, glad that no one was there to see his weakness, his pain, his vulnerability. He wasn't afraid of the pain, but he was afraid of what the others would think of him after they had seen him this way.

His thoughts flash-froze into stillness and silence and everything came to a crashing halt in his head as he felt something. Tentative. Warm. A strange counterpoint to the cooling feel of the medi-gel.

A fingertip. It brushed delicately, almost reverently, against the amp scar that ran just below his neck hairline. He could feel the finger skip the cool area around the amp and travelled it's casual way up. Up into his hair. Softly stroking his scalp and massaging his head in small and slight ways. It moved without purpose, seemingly a colonist exploring a vast, new world. It trailed across the exposed side of his head. Delicately followed the throbbing vein to his temple and soothed the dull ache as it moved.

So warm, so nice. It felt good. It felt _right_.

He could feel the ache in his head lessen as if it were being leeched out by that warm digit. As the pain faded away, so too did his conscious mind and he felt himself slip away and under, being carried into a peaceful quiet by that ceaselessly roving spot of warmth.

Shepard had no idea what he was doing. He could feel the conflicting feelings burst and crash within him as he reasoned staying here in this dark and quiet room and leaving Kaidan to his misery. _That_ thought crushed everything else and he realized that he couldn't leave a team mate to suffer.

Is that all he is to you?

The tiny and unwanted thought shot through the huge tangle he was weaving inside himself and just managed to make everything even more disorganized within his mind.

This isn't right, taking advantage of him like this. Lying there insensate as you play with his hair!

Shepard was railing to himself. He hoped Kaidan really was completely out of it, he thought guiltily, as it left him more time to touch, to see, to feel the heat throb under the man's scalp. The more he kept telling himself this was rank and file fraternization and that he should just leave Kaidan to recover on his own without sitting there and hovering like some creepy shadow, the more he just sat there using that finger to touch, to see, to feel. The strobe of emotions that continued their frigate fight within him slowly drew more and more distant as he focused on that finger.

Suddenly, within the darkness, a startling grin bloomed across his face. _So, Kaidan likes to go commando under his armour huh? I wonder what else he thinks of when he's not managing that filter of his. An extranet fetish site?_ Shepard can only wonder exactly _what_ kind of extranet sites Kaidan had been visiting in the past.

That familiar tightening of in his groin wiped away all those errant thoughts and his smile was wiped immediately from his face. He stared down at the man as his finger moved, over and around that soft, soft hair.

_Where does this leave us,_ he wondered? _What does this mean?_

He refused to answer those thoughts and tried again, unsuccessfully, to drag his thoughts and exploring finger away from Kaidan. He sighed and just as he'd managed to convince himself to stand and exit the door, he felt Kaidan's head shift slightly under his touch. His hand withdrew at lightning speed, surprised the air hadn't been cut in half, and he had to control his breathing as his heart beat uncontrollably in his chest, like an errant schoolchild who'd been caught with dirty magazines in his bag.

"Wha-" Kaidan whispers into the dark bunk area, the nearest room with beds that Shepard could find.

"Hey Kaidan. You took a hell of a fall. How're you feeling?" His tongue immediately curled up in reproach as he realized that he'd spoken the Lieutenant's name with such familiarity and tenderness that he was surprised rainbow-coloured beams weren't shooting around the room. _That and the fact that he is obviously _not_ okay!_

"I.. uh.. I must have hit my head there pretty hard. Where are we?" Kaidan asked as he tried to sit up and glance around the darkened room.

"Rift Station. The soldier's bunk room on the entry level. Nearest place I could find after you went down like that in the hall."

"Uh.. Thanks Commander, but I'll be fine. How long was I out for? We, uh.. the mission isn't over is it?" Despite himself, Kaidan really hoped that he hadn't been lying there the whole time while Shepard and Liara went off to look for Benezia all by themselves.

"Kaidan. You've only been out for ten minutes. Liara's taking the time to restock some of our supplies and talk to the doctors and scientists around here." Shepard says, a hint of endearment escaping the safeguards that he had tried to set around his mouth. He mentally kicked himself again for saying the Lieutenant's name like that, but he just couldn't stop himself. His tone turned more serious as his thoughts sobered him up. "What happened? Did some of that rachni gunk get under your armour?"

"I.. ah.. Remember when I told you I'm an L2, Commander? I mentioned.. I mean, I told you about the side-effects that some of us have? This... uh.. this one's mine. Migraines. Sometimes they stop at a mild throb. Sometimes, I... ah... get a slightly 'stronger' dose." Kaidan stammered, trying to organize his thoughts after the brain reboot he'd just experienced.

The concern in Shepard's eyes almost made them glow in the dim light of the bunk, but he turned his head to the side in an instinctive posture of thoughtfulness that he hoped masked the look that he gave Kaidan.

"If you're not feeling up to it, maybe you should just rest he-"

"No! I mean, uh.. I'm alright Commander, really I am. Though they tend to last a bit longer, this one left pretty quickly. I.. uh.. don't really know why but... I guess it's a good thing." Kaidan hoped the dim light doesn't show the crimson that is beginning to invade his face and the shifting of his eyes at the memory of that finger, trailing its way across his scalp and how it soothed him and, at the same time, ignited a slow and steady burn deep within his chest.

Shepard's nod is all business, and he stood up and looked down at Kaidan still sitting on the edge of the bed, as he tried to get his bearings. His hand lifted itself up slowly, palm upwards, and he stood there, immovable and patient, waiting for an answer. Kaidan looked up, staring not at the offered hand that spread out before him, but at the man it belonged to, the strength of him in every line and curve of his body. Shepard, offering Kaidan a very small part of him, to help him find his way up to him.

Kaidan grasped the hand before him and with a nod, fell into step behind the Commander and felt his steps growing stronger the further on he walked.


	6. Chapter 6: Gatecrash

After Noveria, things were... different.

Liara just couldn't understand how her mother, her sweet and caring mother, had become Saren's dark mistress. She had squirreled herself away into her tiny, metallic hole behind the infirmary and stared blankly at the monitor in front of her for what felt like days, instead of minutes. Every so often, she could feel the glistening tears form and shudder their way down her blue skin and fall, one by one, onto the impassioned surface of her desk. She'd never felt more lonely in her short one hundred or so years than the way she felt at that precise moment. She'd never been particularly close to her 'father', as the humans would have chosen to term her other parent, and the asari word just failed to translate properly. It was a concept that her people found difficult to share with other species of the galaxy and made do with whatever colloquial terms the different races decided to come up with.

It was a concept that she had particular difficulty with as well, at this point. Though normally a calm and levelled headed asari, the repeating urge to lash out and crumple the bulkhead surrounding her left her both exhilarated and ashamed at the same time.

_Oh, what a tangle this is making of me,_ she thought as she tried to focus her mind once again and on the screen before her while she scrubbed the tears gently from her cheeks. In asari terms, her 'father' had left her and her mother a little before her hundredth birthday. She remembered the wall-shaking 'discussion' that they had, while she peeked around the corner of the common wall, about the asari council and the doctrines about asari conduct. Since both were Matriarchs, they had equal say in the matter but both leaned on opposite ends of a very old argument. Her father was always much more temperamental and quicksilver than her mother and had stormed out, leaving Benezia to collect herself and celebrate her daughter's birthday with a very few close friends.

That was the last time that she'd seen her father, and shortly after, her Maiden spirit had her yearning for adventure. Her mother's strict upbringing made sure she stayed away from the usual merc bands and strip clubs that most other asari often frequented, and she managed to channel her thirst for adventure into a more positive form: archaeological adventure and Prothean research. Prior to leaving home, she'd already studied in one of Thessia's more illustrious educational systems and felt her attraction to Prothean lore as surely as planets were pulled to the stars that they orbited.

The memories of home, the last fight she'd had with Benezia before she disappeared among the stars, the hazy feel of her father's form and so much more, all whirled around her head as she tried desperately to control her thoughts and emotions, to stop the pheromones of sadness and grief from escaping the confines of her body.

With a sudden and unexpected hiss, the door slid open and her shock was enough to halt whatever tears were emerging from her four tear ducts. She strained not to turn toward the intruder, hoping that her lack of mannerly conduct would be enough of an indication that she was otherwise pre-occupied. The scent and recognition hit her before she could adjust to the glare of the medical bay streaming in from behind the figure.

Shepard.

She hoped that he hadn't seen the spots of dampness on her cheeks and desk and kept her face trained on her workstation as she surreptitiously used the fabric along her arms to wipe away any stray tears before he could notice.

He'd given Liara what comfort he could, and she'd accepted it, before he left her to her own thoughts and to the work that she seemed so engrossed in. He had wanted to make his usual rounds and check on the readiness of his crew, though he'd always tentatively approach Kaidan first, was in fact drawn towards him after almost every major mission. He knew that he couldn't give in this time and from the debriefing that he'd shared with Ashley and Garrus, as well as the looks of concerned that they had tried to hide from him, it would have been best if he'd went to make sure that Liara was alright first. He also knew that Liara must have been hurting bad, couldn't possibly understand what it was like to lose a parent in the way she had. Especially at her age.

The thought brought a brief tug along his jaw, a thought that never failed to amuse him, when he considered someone who was just over a _hundred years_ old as young and inexperienced.

As he exited the medical bay, he spotted Kaidan, bent over that same console just next to Shepard's new quarters. The smile that he'd been trying to suppress stretched itself comfortably across his mouth and since no one was around to notice, he stopped moving forward and stood just next to the infirmary entrance, leaning against the wall. His eyes followed the slightest twitch from Kaidan, the way it seemed that he was making miniscule bobs up and down as he tinkered with whatever it was that had so insistently held his attention at that particular console. He felt a little awkward, standing there and leering at one of his crewmates, but he held his ground and watched the swell of Kaidan's perfectly round ass move with his body's rhythm, the smallest movements caused it to bounce ever so slightly.

Shepard felt the air thicken and his pulse slowed down as he stood there, watching and admiring the gentle, almost soft movements of the man before him. His imagination began to move through his mind and he felt his vision narrow to the sight of Kaidan, the way he shifted against the platform next to him. He remembered the anguished look on Kaidan's face back on Noveria, how that feeling of protectiveness encompassed Shepard and all he had wanted to do was lay there, pressed up against Kaidan. Wanted to breathe deep the scent of his hair, the cool and clean scent of his skin. He wondered what it felt like to wrap his legs around those thick thighs, rubbing against the soft roundness that Kaidan seemed to take for granted. He felt an irrational sense of envy for whatever furniture it was that Kaidan would choose to sit on.

The sharp and drawn out hiss of the elevator to the cargo startled Shepard out of his daydream, brought him back to the here and now and made him more aware of himself. The slightly ragged breaths that were escaping from his mouth, opened ever so slightly apart, hoping for a taste of something... He wasn't quite so sure what. And of course, the tight, tented triangle that seemed to be the most prominent feature of his body at the moment. How it ached against the thick fabric of his regulation underwear and threatened to erupt at any moment. The lift clanged to a stop and he felt the first spicy feelings of panic pour its way through his system. He considered, briefly, walking back through the infirmary and waiting for his erection to subside but thankfully second-guessed his decision as he realized it would be horribly awkward for Doctor Chakwas to look up and inquire about what he wanted with his cock waving at her like an old friend.

The thought helped to bring him down substantially and he breathed a sigh of relief as Garrus walked out, noticed the Commander nonchalantly leaning against the lockers along the medical bay and threw him a slight wave and a nod before he continued up the stairs and into the CIC. _Hopefully turians don't pay attention to the different 'protrusions' on a human body, _Shepard thought wryly to himself and looked over at Kaidan once more.

With his libido cooling, he began to dissect the stray thoughts that had been cascading through his mind prior to Garrus' arrival and stopped at a sudden realization. He was _fantasizing_ about Kaidan!

He wanted to shake himself and cursed the hornbirds that were roosting on his shoulder. How could he have even considered... what would the Alliance do to him if... what if Kaidan didn't feel the same...

_Shit_. He couldn't talk to Kaidan this way. He'd blurt out every thought that was running in his head and not only would that be extremely awkward, Kaidan might request for a transfer to another ship if he thought his Commander was hitting on him. And he _really_ didn't want that to happen.

He tried to reason with himself, told himself that it was just post-battle excitement combined with the concern that he'd had for Kaidan's wellbeing. For the wellbeing of every soldier under his command. He needed them fighting ready, needed them close enough and loyal enough to their commander.

_I don't see you skulking in the cargo bay staring at Ashely this way,_ a whisper taunted him and he promptly shot it in right between the eyes.

Yeah, that's it. Just wanted to make sure he's alright after that migraine. I'll check up on Garrus after that and see how he's doing with that tracking module he was calibrating. And Ashley too. Make sure they're all getting used to the Normandy and my command. Just a commander, doing his job.

Shepard shook himself, straightened his back and made his way over to Kaidan in order to ask him for some mission input from their encounter on Noveria.

Walking up to Kaidan, he almost believed the lie he told himself.


	7. Chapter 7: Choices, Choices

Things had been steadily getting better on the Normandy, despite the threat of the Geth and the mystery that surrounded Saren's betrayal.

The Normandy had been back to the Citadel a few times, to restock and resupply and Shepard had wanted to speak to Anderson and Udina personally, even though speaking to Udina was more of an after thought and was only done because Anderson had insisted on it. Talking to Udina always made Shepard want to take a long, hot shower afterward and he always relished hearing that the ambassador was otherwise pre-occupied.

Kaidan loved following the commander around. They'd maintain their standard 3-man formation whenever Shepard left the ship and, though he gave everyone a chance to join him on whatever assignments he had to undertake, most of the time Shepard would ask that Kaidan be part of the shore party. He'd say it matter-of-factly and would always understand if Kaidan preferred to stay aboard the Normandy but mostly Kaidan anticipated docking at the Citadel, waiting eagerly for Shepard to assign the rosters. Kaidan leapt at the opportunity and though there were times when he'd have preferred exploring areas like the Presidium and Wards on his own, being with Shepard was always refreshing for him. It also gave him a chance to get to know the third member of their little 'triangle' a little better as well.

Wrex was starting to become a slightly protective and very angry uncle to them and when Kaidan had point that out, the krogan had turned on him and told him in no uncertain terms that "he'd ever want to be related to such worthless pyjaks" and that given the chance, he'd "shoot them, twice to be sure, and drop their bodies from the Citadel Tower". That outburst had stunned Kaidan at first, but Shepard had just kept walking with a small grin on his face, totally ignoring the looming threat that Kaidan felt was sure to land on his head. Kaidan had also noticed that the krogan's eyes were starting to shine and he'd even let a C-sec officer who bumped into him walk off with a shove, rather than a full-blown Krogan head-butt. From then on, Kaidan had always enjoyed teasing Wrex roughly and it seemed that the krogan was beginning to enjoy spending more time with his other squad mates. He'd even offered to teach them all how to do a krogan head-butt, though Kaidan had to decline for fearing of sparking a feedback through his amp and Tali merely watched from the side of the cargo bays. Shepard, on the other hand, seemed genuinely appreciative of Wrex's lessons and was the krogan's best pupil.

Garrus on the other hand was less like an honorary uncle and more like a big brother, always wanting to compare their tech expertise and omni-tool preferences. Early on, Kaidan had already understood that turians were a very martial race and Garrus was no exception; he had an unnatural love of any weapon or gun, especially ones that were massively damaging. He'd often come up to talk to Kaidan and extoll the virtues of different rifle models and would often unconsciously caress parts of the weapon, faint tinges of ardour echoing beside his voice. Kaidan remembered how uncomfortable it had made him at first, watching Garrus touch his Rosenkov Volkov VII that way and it always reminded him of the intimacy and passion that he was trying to avoid in his life.

Tali and Ashely were like his big sisters and were thought of as such in two different ways. Since Tali was a quarian, she was _very_ knowledgeable when it came down to tech talk and alot of the things that she'd talk about went slightly over his head. He'd even tried to ask her to simplify her explanations, and though he wasn't dense, he never managed to fully embrace some of the concepts that she'd tried multiple times to explain to him about. Like making his own combat drone or modding up his omni-tool in different ways. She'd even offered to give him some 'lessons' during their free time when they were in mission downtimes, but she'd soon lose patience with him and string quarian profanities together with enough force to make him blush.

Ashley was.. slightly different. More like an overbearing hardass that tried to keep him under her wing and stop him from doing anything too stupid or reckless, even with the differences in their military positions. It rankled him slightly and more often than not, it bordered on insubordination but the more care that she showed him, the more endeared he was to her ribbing and her attempts to keep his sanity in check. She'd always put on a tough front but he knew deep down she was a big softy, and he'd often catch her singing to herself and composing poetry when she thought no one was watching.

Liara made Kaidan slightly... conflicted. On one hand, he'd been jealous of Liara, thought that Shepard was interested in her and that she in him. Noveria had changed that and now he'd have to make clear with her where they stood. Kaidan didn't want her to hate him for taking the person she was interested away from her, especially after she had just lost her mother. He'd often found himself dealing with her as a younger sister, trying to care about her and make sure she was handling all the things that they were spacing through. Maybe it was the fact that out of all of them, she had the least military experience (he'd even felt Tali was more experienced due to her being part of a 'fleet' and under the command of 'admirals'). He didn't want her to cave in under the stress of all the missions that they were going through and the amount of death that was beginning to pile up around them.

And that brought him, with great difficulty and some measure of discomfort, to Shepard. Most of the crew saw him as an older brother or a protective uncle. Somewhere in between Wrex and Garrus. In fact, Kaidan had felt some tuggings along those lines, liking the way Shepard was opening up to him and getting a little more personal as their time on missions drew them closer. He still didn't really know if Shepard felt something _else_ for Kaidan, the faint stirrings that he had begun to feel more strongly of late and he was worried that his Commander would never allow that kind of fraternization on board his ship, let alone within his squad. Kaidan always came back to that point, he just felt like he didn't know the man well enough to understand what he was thinking and feeling about, well, _everything_.

Yeah, Shepard always came to him to talk, always wanted his opinions on so many different things, had shown an interest in Kaidan's past and seemed to keep wanting _more_. Kaidan had to admit to himself that one of the reasons he'd stationed himself at that console was so that he could be near Shepard, in case the man was looking for him. Close to Shepard. And he kept wondering if his commander would figure it out in the end.

During their conversations, Kaidan always opened up to the man, surprised that he was willing to talk about things that he'd never like mentioning to people, especially those that weren't close to him. He'd not told anyone else about Rahna, his time in BAaT and how he'd felt as he clawed his way out of that hellhole and up the ranks of the Alliance Military. He'd honestly been a little surprised in Shepard's interest in his past and he'd thought, _thought_, that Shepard was very subtly flirting with him. Knowing he'd jump aboard without looking if that was true, he'd had to rein himself in and lied that he'd needed time to process all the things Shepard was suggesting, when in fact he wanted nothing more than to accept that offer and get closer to him.

So slowly it seemed, he'd discovered a family in space, and someone whom he admired and cared for who seemed to be returning his interest. Despite all the critical missions and foreboding evidence they'd come up with, Kaidan was happy. He wanted to get to know more about this little group he was travelling with, especially Shepard, and damn those fraternization regs. Even after things like the Thorian on Feros (he still felt a weird itching in his brain when he was alone, and wondered about the spores that the thing controlled) and the rachni on Noveria, he'd felt good. Strong, supported and hopeful.

Ready for anything and everything the galaxy threw at him.

The ship-wide comm system rang out, tinny and cold. It echoed across the entire ship and brought everyone's attention up, sending crewmen and women to their stations and the ground team down into the cargo bay, readying weapons and armour. Garrus and Shepard were cracking jokes about their last trip to the Citadel as they checked through their rifles and Wrex was merely leaning against the bulkhead, watching them, occasionally throwing in a comment and grunting. Ashley was pulling on her armour and bobbing her head to a tune she was humming while Tali and Kaidan were calibrating their omni-tools. Liara was seated in the corner of the bay, her eyes closed and the tell-tale flicker of biotics shimmering around her still form. Joker began finalizing the last procedures for the landing party and was double checking his instruments as the planet rose up sharply before them, spreading over the entirety of the viewing screens like a dark, majestic shadow.

_Sentry Omega Cluster. Hoc System._

_Virmire._


	8. Chapter 8: Virmire

Kaidan's fingers flew across the make-shift engine core armament controls. He'd had to jury rig the device while the Normandy made its descent run into the middle of the facility and he'd fretted over whether the system would be able to synchronize properly with the drive core overload protocols. He hoped that the water wouldn't interfere with the setup procedures as he began to settle the core against the main point that was outlined in his omni-tool. A confirmation beep began to drone from the device next to his feet and he turned to monitor the progress bar as moved slowly along the circular grid on the back of his hand. As he waited, his thoughts began to consider the mission up until this point.

Things had gone surprisingly well. They'd managed to infiltrate right into the heart of the complex and bypassed most of the defences like they were nothing. The information that they'd gleaned was horrifying, to say the least, and when Shepard had comm-ed them all with the brief summary of the situation, he detected something that he'd never heard before in the commander's voice. Shepard had been afraid. Perhaps the word was too strong, he doubted that anything could shake the man in that way, but he knew that his commander was worried and that his mind was trying very hard to analyse and rationalize the concepts that were being flung at him. He wasn't sure the rest of the squad weren't dwelling on the revelations either. With his thoughts swirling around that way, he hoped that Shepard wouldn't take any unnecessary risks as he took Wrex and Garrus to support Ash and Kirrahe up at the upper levels, near the base's forward entrance where they were pinned down by heavy Geth resistance.

That the 'distraction' unit had survived as well as they had was miraculous and it further emphasized how competent the salarian STG squad was in making the enemy pay for every inch that they tried to claim. He was also pleasantly relieved at Ash's success and had worried about her brute soldier training clashing with the infiltration team's methods. He'd have to toast the woman when this mission was done and get her rip-roaringly drunk on-board the Normandy with promises of secrets kept and teasing that he was sure the woman would be embarrassed to be the focus of.

The omni-tool bar pinged at 95 percent synchronization when a round shot past his cheek and embedded itself in the strut that was directly in front of him.

_Careless,_ he thought to himself as he instinctively rolled to the side and doubled the strength of his barrier as he stopped under cover. _Just because the commander managed to clear the area didn't mean that there weren't reinforcements coming from the other side of the facility,_ he scolded and took a breath while surveying the area to make sure the rest of his backup had made it successfully to cover. They were pinned down behind some structural defences and already launching their own volley of rounds against the approaching forces, since they were probably paying more attention to the situation than he was.

He carefully lifted himself up and peeked over the edge to see the enemy's deployment and blanched at the sight.

A Geth dropship was circling lazily against the fading sky, no doubt preparing to drop down a wave of hostile machinery right into Kaidan's lap and the first wave were already advancing toward the small bomb team and dodging the salvoes that were being thrown at them. The Normandy was circling behind the facility and her much larger size meant she'd need more time to pull up sharply in order to take out the dropship, which deprived them of any significant aerial support. He spotted a Geth Prime emerging from the side entrance that Shepard had first come through and knew that they were being systematically overrun.

"Heads up, L-T. We just spotted a troop ship headed to your location," Ash's voice rang over the comm frequency that they were using.

He ducked back down and keyed the omni-tool along his arm to see if it was ready for remote armament and detonation. SYNCHRONIZATION FAILED, PROGRESS 97 PERCENT, it bleated pathetically to him and he cursed himself for ducking out of range of the tool's and the bomb's sensor port. If he'd had more time, he would have been able to come up with something that could have been triggered along a tight, long-ranged beam, though the risk of the Geth hacking into the frequency would have been greatly increased as well.

"It's already here. There's Geth pouring out all over the bomb site," he snapped back. He could feel his chest tighten as he realized that the next best thing to do would be to manually configure the bomb's armament controls to trigger on a countdown. His mind barely processed the back and forth that all three groups were having and was already mentally preparing himself on the protocol re-writes and system bypasses that he'd have to preform in order to modify the bomb's setting. Thankfully military training had lent him the foresight to add a plan B to the system, as well as a plan C, and he smoothly stood up and leapt towards the limited cover that the bomb shell provided. A few points of energy spent themselves harmlessly against his barrier but he knew that he wouldn't have the strength to withstand heavy fire for very long. His suit confirmed that he was at 74 percent shield capacity and he crouched low, his omni-tool glaring in the shadow of the crude device, as he began the procedure.

An overload was thrown against the shell of the engine core and he grunted in surprise and triggered a remote barrier to encompass the unit, though that weakened his personal barrier at the same time. He had to complete the mission and if the bomb was riddled with holes from hostile fire, they'd never be able to destroy the facility effectively. He hoped that Shepard had already managed to extract the forward team or that Ash had gotten pissed off and carved her way to the commander in a hail of fire and exploding bullets, because he doubted that they would be able to defend this position and the bomb for more than a few minutes.

"Screw that! We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Alenko," he heard through the comm channels and immediately bit back a sharp retort at Ash's gung-ho reply. The steady staccato of weaponfire seemed to underscore her words and he instinctively knew that Ash's unit was facing very desperate odds. _No,_ he thought_, don't do it Commander, get to Ash and save her, _though he felt a chill ratchet itself up his spine and into his amp. He knew the score, knew what they'd been sent to do and would have gladly sacrificed himself for a team mate and the mission.

The comm was dead silent for moment, and he held his breath as his fingers worked numbly and mechanically around the omni-tool interface. What would Shepard do? He knew the way the commander felt about him and could feel a gnawing sense of guilt start to grow within and prayed feverishly that Shepard was not basing his decision on those emotional ties. He immediately felt ashamed of himself for thinking of it that way, and he _knew_ Shepard wouldn't make such a desperate, snap decision based on how he felt about his subordinates.

_But isn't that what you want? Don't you want Shepard to choose you, validate you, _only_ you? Save you from yourself and everything else? What would you think if he chose someone else over you? What would it mean about _us_? Would you really want him to choose Ash over you,_ a tiny part of himself kept whispering deep in the back of his mind, over and over. He wanted to tell it to shut up, wanted to find some way to stop its selfish lies but the whisper had a siren's cadence to it and he fell helplessly into its rhythm even as he'd locked into the timer override. He wanted to be with Shepard, know him as an equal and partner, build a life and a future with him if he could, but _never_ at the expense of another's life, especially a person who was like a sister to him.

As the silence grew longer and he finalized the operating protocols, he found himself repeating over and over again, _No Shepard, no Commander, please, don't come back, please, no, don't come back, Shepard..._

"Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet _us_ at the bomb site," Shepard finally replied, and Kaidan was amazed at the composure in his tone. He'd have been a wreck if he had to choose between anyone under his command. He took a deep breath and sighed,

"Yes, Commander. I..." he stuttered but couldn't finish as he felt the lump in his throat squash out the sound of his voice. He knew that Ash was still on the other end of their comm-line. He ignored the fatalistic things that Ash was saying and he kept telling himself that there was no way that Shepard would leave anyone behind. Maybe he could help Shepard sweep the Geth away from the bomb site and then he'd have enough time to charge in and get back up to Ashley. The brief and fragile thought gave him a flicker of hope which grew incrementally as he looked down at his omni-tool. ARMAMENT PROCEDURE: COUNTDOWN DETONATION. PLEASE UPLOAD TIMER.

_Yes_! He began to adjust the countdown settings as the hope he felt in him continued to burn steadily.

As he looked up from his work, Kaidan glimpsed a silver and black.. _thing_ riding what looked like a metallic board with an eye throw something that twisted and sparkled in the air before it struck him aside, overloaded his barrier and shields and wrapped his vision in cool streaks of bluish-white.

"..enko! Come on, Alenko! We have to go! Don't do this to me Kaidan, come back!" he could hear the distant echoes of Shepard's voice ringing against the inside of his helmet. _Wha-_, a deep breath and resulting cough threatened to blank his mind again and interrupted his thoughts. _What just happened?_

He cracked his eyes open briefly, staring up at the most ruggedly, beautiful face he'd ever seen, surrounded by the glowing nimbus of the setting sun. The concern and worry that streaked those features just barely managed to hide the burning heat behind what must have been the eyes of the being before him. Heat that stirred something deep and primal within him. _I must be dead_, he whispered deliriously,_ Shepard must have gone for Ash and I died in the blast that I intended to set up._

Watching the face, what damn beautiful lips it had, move closer toward him made his mouth twitch upward slightly as he placed those features one by one.

"Shepard..." he whispered before feeling the leadened weights of his eyes carry the wonderful sight with him back into darkness.

Something jostled him back to consciousness, and he felt the tell-tale cool tingling of medi-gel as it was being copiously introduced into his system by his armour. As the icy wave crept slowly through his nervous system, he began to feel more and more awake. His limbs still felt numb and he wondered how that was possible when he saw the ground moving stutteringly through his field of view. He turned his head slightly and immediately recognized the back that he'd always seen in front of him, had always thought about touching and caressing. Looking lower down, he knew he'd recognize that ass anywhere in the galaxy system even if he'd have both eyes put out.

Realization dawned slowly that Shepard was carrying him over his shoulder like a sack of rations, and he felt a flush of embarrassment at being nothing more than deadweight, and awe at the commander's strength. He tried to open his mouth to tell him that he'd recovered enough to stand but found that his mouth could hardly move. _Must have been hit by a Warp, pretty damn strong one too, fried what little I had since I had to shield the bomb as well_.

He could only bounce there over Shepard's shoulder as he helplessly watched the bomb grow smaller and leave his range of vision. From the familiar hum of ship engines, he'd guessed that they were heading to the extraction point and were about to board the Normandy. He tried to grin in relief and thought about how Ash would laugh and tease him about having to be carried on board while she swept through hostile machines like a mythical Valkyrie. He'd definitely have to buy her more than a round, if he could even stand to be in the same deck level as her.

A slight staticky sound ground his thoughts to a halt and he tried to focus on the tiny voice being projected through the helmet's audio channels.

"Hey, L-T."

His mind froze. He swore his heart stopped beating for just a second, and resumed again at thrice the speed. He'd never heard Ash that.. that.. _sad_ before. Suddenly everything came crashing through. Ash wasn't with them, Shepard hadn't been able to reach her and they were going to leave without her. Leave her to die on this paradise world infested with damned Geth.

"Don't know if you can hear me. I'm trying to keep the Commander off this frequency. I know he'd never live with himself if he heard everything I wanted to tell you before.." there's an interruption as an explosive sound rips through his head, "..dammit! Almost got me-" the cough that interrupted her again almost had Kaidan twisting around in Shepard's grip.

"Damned Geth." with a sigh, she continued, "I know the Commander'd come and get me if he knew I was still up here, alive and kicking. L-T, take care of him. He's been like a brother to me and I know how you feel about him." Her smile is almost audible in his ears.

"I always told you, you were bad at holding your drink, L-T. There's so much I'd like to tell you Kaidan, and the Commander. I, uh.. left some messages on my private terminal in the bay. Can you make sure that my family gets them? They're.. kinda personal and.. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out here." Weaponfire blared through and interrupted her again, and Kaidan cursed the Geth for denying them just a few more minutes.

"Don't feel bad Lieutenant, it was the right choice and you _know_ I'd have torn him a new one if he didn't go back to get you. I.. I really wish I could see how all this'll end, don't really know what'll be waiting for you at the end but I know you'll give 'em one hell of a send off. Take care of each other L-T and excuse the insubordination, but that's an order. Ashely out." The comm died and he couldn't help the tears as they began to well in his eyes, wouldn't have wiped them away even if he could have moved his arms. He wished he could have said something, anything, to let her know she wouldn't meet the end alone. He didn't want her to take her last breaths alone.

As the metallic thud of Shepard's boots announced their entry into the Normandy, Kaidan watched in silent agony as the cargo bay doors started to swing upwards and cut off the gleaming light streaming in, his last view not of the twisted, metallic facility used to breed monsters. He refused to see the smoke as it curled around the structures, refused to see the second wave of Geth roll forward toward the bomb site. All he saw was a vision of Ash, leaning back against a pile of rubble like she was in a lounge chair reading her favourite novel, assault rifle in hand, raking away swathes of enemy forces in front of her. He could almost imagine her bright smile as she heard the unmistakable hum of Normandy's engines and knew that, whatever else, she'd managed to save the lives of her friends and family as they accelerated upwards to safety.

The doors closed and once more enveloped Kaidan in darkness.

Shepard stared at the display consoles as Joker's fingers danced across the interface, prepping them for their jump through the mass relays, at one particular screen.

His face was harsh and felt detached from everything that was happening around him. The look that he'd worn had kept even Joker from making any comments as he stood there, watching.

He'd asked Joker to tune one of the screens before him on to the aft optic input and forced himself to watch silently at the image in front of him.

What had happened to Kaidan had had him worried sick and, though he knew that the biotic would fully recover without any negative consequences, a part of him couldn't help but turn over how he felt about Kaidan and the concern that seemed a constant part of his thoughts about the other man. The main body of his thoughts were focused, fiercely, on the view in front of him.

He knew he'd have to face many more situations like this in his career and he knew that Akuze was, unfortunately, not going to be a one off thing. He didn't even want to think about all that he'd learned on Virmire, about Sovereign, the Reapers, Saren and the Genophage. He only wanted to think about a strong-willed, poetic soldier that he'd first met in red and white armour at the start of all this, wanted to carve her image into the back of his brain.

All he could do was feel something quietly die inside of him as he watched a pin-prick of light flash into being, growing larger and larger as it encompassed the vision before him in white, purifying fire.


	9. Chapter 9: A Stop In The Woods

_Whose woods these are I think I know._

_His house is in the village though;_

_He will not see me stopping here_

_To watch his woods fill up with snow._

A careful and brittle silence filled the dry air of the Normandy. The crew were unusually silent, taking quiet steps and speaking to one other with hushed glances and careful words. Even the Normandy seemed... more like a cold, empty shuttle rather than the safe sanctuary that it had represented through their earlier missions. Oh, there were always things that had to be seen to on the great and unique ship of human and turian design, but never had the crew lacked alacrity and purpose as they did after the tragedy on Virmire.

It was like a niggling hum in the backs of everyone's minds, a quiet kind of intrusion that affected them all in some way, especially the close friends that had resided with frequency within the ship's cargo bay. Sometimes, it was a private and barely veiled glance, other times, they'd look up to see another familiar face, staring at the same place, their eyes meeting. They could almost feel the clash of emotions, Wrex's slowly burning rage to Tali's inscrutable depression, and it became a palpable thing in the air, as it mixed and spread like a slow and icy haze.

Garrus was particularly concerned with the strange emotions that had swirled around him after Gunnery Chief Ashely William's death and he would often wonder where this conflicting sense of anger, betrayal and sadness had come from. Turians tended to be more in control of their emotive states and, for their particularly war-like culture, it often dictated the difference between survival and dying. It was even more surprising as he looked up from the parts that he'd been balancing in his hands, the devices resting there for the last hour or so, to once again stare at the empty weapons bench that stood a silent vigil against the rows of personal lockers that belonged to the rest of the ground team.

He could have almost imagined the human woman that should have been there, staring at the interface and singing of songs to herself as her hands instinctively stripped and adjusted parts of her rifle with fluid ease. Garrus supposed that a fascination with weaponry must have been derived from turian genetic structures and it was rare to find one who couldn't appreciate the sleek death brought on by cold metal and energy rounds. Perhaps that made the connection to Ash all the more poignant, she was a soldier and a damned good one, and her love of caring for her armaments almost rivalled his own zealous considerations. She had underestimated how well her other non-human team mates could hear and they'd often caught her reciting poetry to herself, and Garrus had been amazed at the flow of words and the images that they'd painted for him. Though turian poets did exist, they were very rare and far between, and he often took comfort in adjusting his calibration routines from the tempo that escaped and embraced him during her private recitals.

No more. He couldn't seem to.. focus. He caught Wrex turning his head slightly to the side as he stared at the still and impromptu monument to Ash's position in the cargo bay and quickly turned back so that they wouldn't have to meet each other's gaze. Damn if he didn't want to take out his sniper rifle and shoot something. He remembered what had happened on Virmire and, though he'd never told anyone including Shepard, he blamed himself for what had happened. A practical side of him repeated that nothing he'd have done would have changed anything, but he kept playing back the events in his mind, wondered if maybe he'd volunteered to go in solo to give Ash some back up, she'd be here now humming her human songs and thinking about her poetry.

A soft crinkling woke him from his dark musings, and he stared down at the ruined machinery in his hands. He cursed in the brutally elegant tongue of turians and placed it upon the shelf that was in front of him, telling himself he'd have to get the logistics human to requisition new parts. It was several more hours before he finally got around to placing the order with the man.

_My little horse must think it queer_

_To stop without a farmhouse near_

_Between the woods and frozen lake_

_The darkest evening of the year._

Kaidan winced as a twinge slid down neck that originated from the amp that was both a blessing and curse. It had taken him years to live with that piece of foreign material in his head and knew deep down that he'd always think of it as something unnatural and foreign to his body, like a benign cancer that allowed him to manipulate physics in alarming ways. It had taken him substantially longer to move away from losing someone special to him, Rahna he thought involuntarily, and sighed as he stared blankly at the console stations arrayed in front of him.

It had been an entire ship day since Virmire and still memories of Ash clung to the ship's curves and lines, haunting the crew with the lack of her presence and influence. The guilt that had stormed through him on first regaining full consciousness had almost shamed him to tears in front of Dr. Chakwas and the look of understanding and pity she exuded had almost broken the little self control that he had managed to muster. The first thing that he did was go to Ash's personal terminal and did what he'd promised Ash he'd do, and with the Commander's comforting assurance, had sent them the information that their daughter would not be coming back to them, in the flesh at least.

Her poems were... poignant and some had made him choke back sad laughter at their ribald nature and he had felt a little awkward as he transferred the most meaningful ones to his own private correspondence program, storing it close to him in his omni-tool. There were a few, very few, that Ash had asked to be delivered to Shepard for whatever reason and he'd stored them with him as well.

He hadn't really been sure how Shepard would react if he ever mustered the courage to approach him with them.

The commander had come to see him, doing his usual rounds as if nothing had ever happened but Kaidan knew, without any doubt that he was heavily burdened by grief. He really had to admire the man's resolve and determination to place a strong and immovable front and wondered again, as he often did, if Shepard was human or some kind of biological, mechanical hybrid that could do anything and succeed in everything. He knew this paradigm had been shattered when he had first looked into Shepard's eyes during their conversations about what had happened and the emotions he'd seen there had almost overwhelmed any higher processing his brain could have made.

He wanted, wanted so very damned much, to reach out and comfort his commander the way Shepard had tried to comfort him with words and gestures, and only the distant shout of military fraternization protocols ringing through his head had stifled his hands as they wanted to touch and leech the pain away. Since then, he'd been hesitating and had put off going to see Shepard for whatever reasons he thought were good enough to approach him. He hadn't gotten anything done since his recovery and had been rehearsing scenarios and conversations between both of them. What might come to be and what might not.

He stopped himself before his mind began to wander again and took a moment to front the display of his omni-tool, searching for the cache of lost poetry that he'd hidden away in there. He knew he wasn't particularly arty and wasn't much of a philosopher, but he came to appreciate some of the works that Ash had kept for him. She was quite eclectic in her tastes and her collection had ranged from 18th century Romanticism (so said the little note at the bottom of the work he'd read) to some of the more modern and slap-dash post-22nd century modernist works based on religion and xenomorphia. Without much thought he brought up a piece that Ash had said she exclusively wanted Shepard to have, not one of her own creations but something she had said might be very appropriate for whatever it was the commander was going through. Like she'd prepared this small trove of words in case something were to happen to her.

_That something_ did_ happen, and it's probably not your own damn fault_, though he didn't know if he believed what he kept telling himself. A sound interrupted his reverie, and he turned to see Shepard walk purposefully towards his cabin which, definitely not by chance, just happened to be right behind the work area that Kaidan frequented. His body stilled and his breath came out in soft and slow wisps as he strained his hearing against the side of Shepard's cabin. Sometimes he'd think about what Shepard was doing behind the thin sheet of metal and had often had to find quiet and secluded spots around the ship to take care of the need that burned through him whenever his imagination got the better of him. He'd touch himself in certain ways and imagine that it was Shepard who was touching him that way, doing those things to him and he'd stored quite a bit of his imaginative creations in the most private corners of his mind.

A tiny and unmistakable sound of something hitting the wall next to him stopped those thoughts like a krogan running into a thresher maw and Kaidan reacted instinctively, rushing to the commander's door before he knew what he was doing. His last thoughts before he activated the door protocols was that he hoped he wasn't walking into a situation he couldn't handle and hoped he'd managed to scrape enough strength to keep Shepard on his feet, whatever else.

_He gives his harness bells a shake_

_To ask if there is some mistake._

_The only other sound's the sweep_

_Of easy wind and downy flake._

Shepard's thoughts churned. They frothed and raged through him like a wild varren that had somehow managed to contract the now extinct rabies sickness that had once been found on Earth. He couldn't think and couldn't focus. He kept re-visiting the last few hours on Virmire, replaying the scene over and over again, splitting it down into infinitesimal lines as he considered the hundreds of outcomes that would have resulted.

"Ash," he whispered, an inferno of anger seething through him.

He picked up the metal decorative holder that sat on his sparse work table and flung it with all his considerable strength against the wall of his cabin, feeling both immediate relief and shame at taking out his growing rage on an inanimate and helpless object. With a forlorn sigh, he walked over quickly to pick up the now dented object and set it gently back on the table, watching as it wobbled slightly from the beating that he had inflicted on it.

He could feel the memories of Akuze trying to seize him in its teeth and wring him out against the dark borders of his skull. He knew that some of his pent up emotions were bleed-throughs from that devastating footnote in his past and, though he prided himself on control and always moving forward, he knew this was something that wouldn't go away, would be a part of his life right up until he took his last breath on whatever alien planet the mission had carried him to. He had hope, but no illusions, about living out a comfortable life, a kind, caring and wonderful partner at his side, growing with him and perhaps raising a family on some distant, peaceful world. A world where his friends might also be on, save one young, brash and artfully tasteful young soldier.

He cursed himself and almost picked up the traumatized metal holder again but steeled himself and kept his hands at his side, though he couldn't stop them from curling into tight, white fists. Closing his eyes and letting his chaotic thoughts run amok, he huffed out a breath and went over to sit on his bed as he hoped for an eventual reprieve from the torture that he was lashing upon himself. He bowed his body over and rested his head roughly against both palms of his hands, which in turn were slowly grinding divots into the muscle of both his thighs. He knew he'd have to face situations like this again and just couldn't seem to-

The door to the mess hissed open. He wanted to look up, almost let muscle memory snap him to attention, and wondered what new crisis an ensign was delivering to him. Probably Thessia decided to throw itself into its own sun or the Geth had managed to land on Earth and obliterate the entirety of humanity's military command structure.

"Hey Commander," a gruff, raspy and (he had to admit) sexy-as-hell voice whispered out from the direction of the door, "Is everything alright? I.. I thought I heard.. ah.. a commotion in here."

Shepard immediately looked up and saw Kaidan, standing against the portal to his cabin, his body outlined by the cool, white halo of artificial lighting. Feelings and thoughts skidded and crashed within him as he saw the nervous posture and downcast look that had swept the room to see if anything was physically amiss. He didn't want Kaidan to see him like this, trembling and sobbing over the loss of a squad mate but he wanted, _needed_, to feel the other man in here with him. To feel him holding him and giving him a shoulder to cry on.

He tried to smile up at Kaidan as he stood, but from the way his face twitched, he knew that the best he could do was a polite grimace.

"Alenko, I'm alright. Thank you for your concern. There was an... incident with the holder," he finished lamely as he glanced in the direction of the table and shouted at himself for subconsciously letting his speech come out so formal, a defensive gesture that he'd always had with him since he joined the Alliance.

Kaidan's eyes tightened for an instant and he looked like Shepard had raised a hand against him. He shook his head slightly and seemed to be arguing with himself about something, probably wondering what possessed him to come into Shepard's cabin unannounced over sound. Kaidan finished the conversation he was having with himself and took tentative steps into the room keeping his eyes on Shepard as he approached.

Each step was reflected in Shepard's own heart and he wondered whether the Lieutenant could hear the deep throbbing of his pulse and had purposely measured his footsteps to them.

He stopped an arm's length in front of Shepard and took a deep breath before finally speaking up.

"Commander, permission to speak freely, sir? I.. I know this must be really tough for you. I.. I mean after all you've told me about Akuze and everything that you've gone through it.. it just seems that you're trying so hard you know? I.. We.. The crew, we're all here for you and I know you think that you have to carry this all on your own and, after what had happened on Eden Prime.. It wasn't easy seeing you like that Commander, and I just wanted you to know that I've got your back sir. Ash really _was_ a good soldier and the Alliance'll make sure she's honoured that way... She.. um.. Ash asked me to give you something..."

As Kaidan stammered through his words, Shepard just continued to stare at the man's face, watching the way his eyes would shift all around and migrate back and forth over his own facial features. He tried so hard, so very hard, to stop the tugging that was growing stronger around his heart and ached to take the man into his arms and never let him go. He knew that Kaidan's adorable performance would soon have him grinning like an idiot and he did the only thing he could do to stop the constant rush of words at him.

Slowly, almost reverently, he raised a hand up and brought it past the Lieutenant's waist, his broad yet compact chest, and up over that sharp jawline that spoke of strength, coming to rest ever so gently against the side of Kaidan's left cheek.

Kaidan was trying so hard to say appropriate words and was too worried about failing miserably to notice the hand until it's soft, scarred warmth brushed against his skin and stayed there, leaving him to trail his sentences into sputtering stops. His eyes widened considerably as he realized what had just happened and shifted his eyes to stare at the arm that had touched him so tenderly. He immediately brought his gaze back up to Shepard's face and was struck by what he saw there. Tenderness, affection. Care. _Love_.

Without volition, his left hand came up and trailed a soft stroke up the hand that was resting against his cheek and he almost closed his eyes in bliss. He was glad that he didn't and had an exhilarating view of Shepard's face as it grew closer and closer and before he realized what was happening (he wondered how someone who kept losing his pace like he did had managed to get Lieutenant rank) felt Shepard's lips touch his own.

He went blank. He couldn't think, couldn't respond, his thought narrowed to that small point on his face as he felt Shepard's full, soft and warm lips brace his own. He couldn't help himself, and felt his lips open slightly and the tip of his tongue emerged to take a taste of the man that his body and heart had ached for, for so long. Spicy, a slight muskiness, the sweet taste of warm flesh. He felt the burn shoot down through his tight stomach as his tongue met its equal and tasted the tip of everything that made the man John Shepard, could almost reach out and stroke the emotions that were flashing back and forth in the air between them.

He felt complete in a way that he'd never felt before and giddily wondered if he was in love and wanted to grab the man in an intimate hug and take all that he'd seen into him, and at the same time, run to Dr. Chakwas to tell her he was delirious and running a fever. The combined feeling of Shepard's hand and the gentle kiss that they were sharing threatened to overwhelm his sense of reason and was wondering if he could use his biotics to Pull away all of their clothes at the same time.

Thankfully, Shepard made the decision for him and he could feel the man's tongue slowly slip away from his grasp and he almost railed against the unfairness of the teasing that was going to leave him gibbering like a husk if he didn't get more. Dredging up what sense he had left, he was pretty sure the rest was littered around the floor of the cabin, he pulled himself away as well. He opened his mouth and wanted to apologise to his commander for taking advantage of him when his state of mind surely wasn't sound enough to decide on something of this magnitude, when Shepard pre-empted him and spoke first.

Just one word, that emerged to wrap fingers of love around his spine and made him want to melt and fly all at once. Just one word, whispered with a lover's reverence, a yearning that pulled at him stronger than the strongest biotic field he'd ever felt. Just. One. Word.

"Kaidan," Shepard whispered, a tide of awe, amazement and love washing through them both and breaking upon the shore of their minds. "Thank you."

Shepard stared at the poem that Kaidan had left him after he'd assured the Lieutenant that everything was fine with him, with _them_. He felt like he was taking a step off a steep cliff, with no way to see what would be at the bottom to catch him, yet knowing, _hoping_, that something would be there. Something that was filled to overflowing with the emotions that Kaidan had shared with him.

He'd been sitting at the corner of his bed, going through the poem that was on his omni-tool for the sixth time and knowing that he'd always treasure this moment and the words that had ingrained themselves into his mind like prayer. It spoke to him on more levels than he'd thought possible and he knew that it wasn't just to honour Ash's memory, knew that the words were meant for him and him alone. As he reached the last stanza of Robert Frost's _Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening_, he wondered if somewhere in the past, the poet had been thinking of someone like him as he scrawled his thoughts out with artistic abandon. His thoughts and feelings had crystalized after the first read through and he felt the dream he'd been building in his head solidify under a single, underlying base that had a quiet strength he had come to admire. _Kaidan_.

_The woods are lovely, dark and deep._

_But I have promises to keep,_

_And miles to go before I sleep,_

_And miles to go before I sleep._


	10. Chapter 10: Arrow To The Knee

The Normandy was finally shooting arrow straight to Ilos. Things were coming to a head and there was a wealth of emotional clashes among crew members, most of all anticipation, at finally seeing an end to Saren's madness.

And Shepard was furious.

After everything that he had been through, _they_ had been through, after all the thin smoke and scraps that the Council had thrown at him, he still managed to get the job done and complete his mission. Time and time again. He wondered for at least the thousandth time if this was some twisted and sick perversion that all Council SPECTREs had to go through when they were first brought aboard to serve on the Citadel. Like some initiation right that the members had to experience in order to find their place among the galaxy's elite.

Despite Shepard's logical mind telling him otherwise he still felt buggered in all the wrong ways. Still perhaps some good had come of it and if nothing else, his resourcefulness would prove that humanity's worthiness to join one of the galaxy's most prestigious military force wasn't a mistake made or charity given. There was also a more... personal accomplishment that burned in tandem alongside the steadily searing rage next to his heart and that warmed him and drove him forward like nothing that he'd ever experienced before in his life.

And that was a Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko.

As he sat before his desk consolidating his data, his mind turned inward on a pleasantly tight spiral as he thought back to how comforting the other man was. How he'd allowed that crack in his veneer, the feelings behind shining through for just a brief instant, even more than what Shepard had seen after Virmire. Of course he hadn't been sure about how Kaidan felt about him that night they shared a kiss in Shepard's cabin. He'd initiated the intimate encounter and didn't know if Kaidan was merely reacting instinctively from the shock or maybe thought a good kiss-and-grab was all Shepard needed to bring him back into focus. Sometimes the man was an infuriatingly blank slate that Shepard couldn't read or break through.

He had tried to hold it in check, had tried to keep the others from seeing how painfully aware he was of Ash's absence in the cargo bay. He kept telling himself that they all knew the score, they all knew the end that most soldiers on the field would face. But somehow, Kaidan had seen and had tried to speak to Shepard not really as a fellow soldier but, perhaps, something _more_. Of course Kaidan hadn't gone all out in that way, but Shepard could hear the concern, feel the tender care that Kaidan had exuded as he spoke to him. And that was the only time he'd thought he'd felt that connection until the Council had tried to lock them down.

He could almost see again the frustration in Kaidan's face, the barely concealed emotions that he had tried so hard to keep from his commander, the words he was saying to him as Shepard sat in front of his locker like some piqued, hormonal teenager. The line that Kaidan had refused to cross. Watching how the Lieutenant kept himself on such a tight reign was too painful to bear after so long and after all they'd experienced together, so Shepard took a chance and with a trembling, gusty sigh, told Kaidan to stop trying so _damned_ hard.

Shepard expected the other man would've been hurt, might have drawn even more inward and cold, might even have saluted his commander and stiffly marched back to his bastion of consoles without another word.

He wasn't really prepared, though he had hoped so deeply and so much, for Kaidan to lose that cool demeanour in a blink, pulling it off his face like a pair of glasses and what he had seen behind those soulful eyes made him tighten in longing even now. A seething swirl of lust, a desire that shadowed his face and lifted Shepard to his feet as much as the hand that Kaidan had given to him. The taste of him that he would have had again, that he'd have traded anything for.

He had almost reached into his locker to shoot his pilot in the deck above him at the other's 'timely' interruption, and only the fact that with Joker dead, they'd have had to spend weeks searching for a new pilot had forestalled him. As he turned back, he saw the mask of neutrality snap back over Kaidan's features and he had almost yelled in frustration. But he knew, without a shadow of doubt, of what he had seen and he'd take great pleasure in exploring those labyrinth eyes in as leisurely a way as possible.

Shaking away the old coat of past thoughts, Shepard brought himself back to the present and contemplated on the array of information before him. It wasn't really a total loss. Anderson had managed to get them away from the Citadel and the Council's near-sighted grasp, Shepard felt a twinge of worry course through him at the thought or his mentor and friend alone on the Citadel, and Shepard had a reason, a person, to fight for all the more harder.  
Though he had to admit sheepishly that the sexual tension between him and Kiadan had reached mountainous proportions. It would be difficult to focus on the coming battle in this state, and Shepard had gone through all the data that he could access on Ilos and Saren. Even any information on the Conduit and the Reapers, though most were inaccurate hearsays and conspiracy forums extracted from the extranet. He had finally decided to ease away all the lustful thoughts that were crowding the CIC in his brain when a familiar hiss stalled him. He turned and froze, the crescendo in his chest rising faster and harder.  
Kaidan stood in the doorway, everything about him drawing Shepard deeper and he knew, just as he felt Kaidan knew, that they just couldn't hold back the tide any longer.


	11. Chapter 11: Into The Midnight Sun

Shepard stood up as Kaidan approached from the silent portal behind him, barely registering its close, so taken up Kaidan was at the sight of Shepard, the way he moved toward him and the fierce hunger of desire in his eyes. Kaidan knew that to indulge his most heartfelt desires would result in a one-way trip that he'd never be able to pull himself out of, not that that was necessarily a bad thing with Shepard involved.

Still, he steeled himself from reaching out to the rapidly closing figure before him and fell back to his reflexive defensive attitude. He couldn't bring himself to look up at his commander, his something more, and cast his glance around the deck of Shepard's cabin as he let his second defensive reflex take over; his running mouth.

He could feel the hollowly neutral speech he'd stashed away in his mind coming to the vanguard of his lips, and could barely understand the topics and words that he was dancing around. Making remarks about their current situation and responding in kind instinctively to Shepard's responses. He still hadn't looked up to face the man before him and Shepard's latest response of "Kaidan, I don't think I've had the pleasure of having you 'serving' under me..." snapped his eyes up in shock, unaware of how close Shepard had drawn, lips and noses almost touching.

The blunt severity of that statement was softened by the care in Shepard's voice, the slight twist of those full lips that Kaidan had spent weeks dreaming of, and the way those eyes sparkled with mirth and lust. Kaidan was almost overwhelmed by the weight of his feelings at those words and felt that familiar, warm heaviness in his groin shoot through him a hundred fold. He felt his cock harden alarmingly quick and couldn't help the grin that spread across his face as well as the words of seduction that came from him.

"I can make you feel much more than that, Kaidan," Shepard whispered hoarsely as he reached his hands up to cup Kaidan's face delicately against his palms.

The man who had slain matriarchs, fought rachni and dismantled Geth like nothing, held Kaidan like the most precious thing in the galaxy and the claxon of feelings running through him at being so wanted, so _needed_ almost unhinged his knees. He was grateful that he was holding onto Shepard's waist and wondered when he'd done that.

The kiss that followed threw all thoughts out of his head and all he could feel was Shepard, taste Shepard. The musky softness that wrapped its way across his lips and the exquisite contrast as the other man's stubble rubbed across his jaw tugged an involuntary moan out of his, drawn out like his longing for the man.

Shepard teased and tugged and nibble his way across the expanse of Kaidan's lips and Kaidan was sure that his cock had bored a hole through his military slacks and was trying to bore a hole through Shepard's as well. The teasing was driving him mad with lust and he wanted more, needed more and his insistence carried over in the way he returned Shepard's passion.

Then the pace changed. He felt Shepard's tongue drive against his teeth and he gladly opened up to let the man take the more that he wanted, the rough thrusts as his own tongue rose up to battle Shepard's teasing and embracing. Let himself go as he tasted the spice of Shepard's mouth, the hotness that rose up in both of them.

He pushed Shepard back against the bed in the cabin, his mind a pleasantly blank fuzz, and pulled Shepard's shirt over his torso, rubbing his demanding hands against the taut muscle underneath, fingering the nipples that were hard and begging to be nibbled. He stopped the shirt at Shepard's wrists and locked his hands in position over his head, using his mouth to search out Shepard's neck and flicked his tongue against the throbbing pulse there.

Kaidan tasted sweat, salty musk, and sucked and nibbled his way around Shepard's neck feeling his cock throb at the unsolicited moan that emerged from the thin veneer of cloth covering Shepard's face. Shepard wriggled and bucked underneath his mouth, breath coming out in raspy gasps as Kaidan put more and more pressure against Shepard's neck and imagined the quickening pulse mirrored in Shepard's own cock.

He barely managed to pull away, a smirk playing across his lips as Shepard pulled his shirt off the rest of the way and glared at Kaidan. The growl that escaped his throat made Kaidan's eyes widen as Shepard grabbed Kaidan's uncomfortably tight pants and pulled them off with a sexual ferocity that had ripped away at least two buttons.

Grasping Kaidan's waist, Shepard pressed his hard bulge against Kaidan's and ground his hard sex against the other, eliciting startled gasps and moans that bordered on painful. Looking down, Shepard is momentarily baffled at seeing Kaidan's glistening, throbbing member standing erect before him, precum leaking from a swollen head. It's a beautiful cock, and the hair is trimmed almost as short as Shepard's military standard head hair. Curved slightly up and to the right, a thick vein running like a river across the vast expanse, thicker slightly at the base than the tip. Shepard can feel saliva trickling through his mouth at the thought of taking it in his mouth but looks up in puzzlement.

Kaidan's breath evened out, still emerging in soft gasps, face flushed to a deeper golden colour. Now it shifted to a more familiar bronze blush as he looked away sheepishly and mutters almost inaudibly, "I.. ah.. I don't wear underwear on the Normandy... Shepard.."

Shepard's eyebrow cocked up and that infuriating grin that blossomed was the only answer that Kaidan would get. Shepard went back to tender kisses, amping up the desire in Kaidan again, blowing slowly on the embers of lust within him, as he guided Kaidan to the bed while he teased Kaidan's skin with his tongue, exploring the different tastes around his body.

Shepard shucked the rest of his clothes as Kaidan tried to regain some balance, though he was immediately thrown again as he stared up at the gleaming pale nakedness of his commander before him. Muscled, in an athletic way. Beautifully proportioned and everything screamed of grace and fluidity, even the way Shepard's thigh muscle curved up to frame Shepard's cock. Its base of hair was just as neat and trimmed as Kaidan's, a criss-cross of veins that throbbed around the shaft in a network of veins that Kaidan wanted to nibble and run his tongue along, while breathing in the musky smell of Shepard's cock. He was thicker than Kaidan was, but also slightly shorter, it's beautiful mushroom head blooming out before him, and Kaidan knew without a doubt that he'd cum as soon as that head rubbed against his prostrate.

Kaidan was leaking a pool of clear, sticky precum across his abs and knew his eyes roved uncontrollably over the commander, trying to take in and memorize as much of the other man that he could. The pale freckles and muscled ribs, the way muscled folded over bone and shone through skin. He was so engrossed that he didn't even realize that Shepard was scrutinizing him just as closely, lips slightly parted as he stared at the half-naked young marine splayed out over his bed, looking adorably dishevelled.

"Kaidan," Shepard ground out and felt a surge of satisfaction when he noticed that Kiadan's cock throbbed in response. Keeping eye contact, he slowly lowered his head down to Kaidan's groin and blew a tantalizingly warm breath across the cockhead before him. Kaidan groaned and involuntarily bucked against Shepard, wanting to feel the hot wetness of Shepard's mouth around his throbbing member. Shepard grinned to himself as he used the tip of his tongue and licked his way across the tight cock in front of him, making it shake and twitch in response and meticulously explored every part with his tongue, as he had explored Kaidan's body.

"Ah.. Shepard, I need.. Plea- ahh... Please Shepar... Ahhh..." Kaidan begged through clenched lips as he tried so desperately to hold back the whining growl that was emerging from the back of his throat as Shepard lazily roamed about between his thighs.

Shepard glanced up from Kaidan's groin and noticed the glazed look in Kaidan's eyes and knew that the other man was close, had reached the point where any more stimulus would bring pain instead of pleasure. Bringing himself up he knelt before Kaidan, Shepard's cock almost touching the raging heat coming from the organ in front of him.

"Kaidan. Come on, Kaidan, come for me," Shepard growled, trying to project the tender lust he felt toward the sexy, groaning man that lay before him. He grasped Kaidan's cock in a firm grip and twisted upwards in smooth even strokes that got faster as Kaidan's breathing came out as ragged moans.

"Shepard... I.. Shepard!" Kaidan shouted out and Shepard felt the cock in his grip throb in spasms as he dipped his head to take Kaidan's cock into his mouth and felt the hot splashes of salty, sweet cum against the back of his throat as he throated Kaidan's length through the other man's wordless convulsions and shouts. He felt the orgasm dwindle down as the last sticky strings ejaculated out of Kaidan's cock and he gave one more deep pull, eliciting a stuttered gasp from the man in the process, and with a mouth full of cum, looked up and smiled.

"Shepard," Kaidan breathed, throat still raw from his shouts, "that was... I never thought it would be so... Shit..." he finished, then gasped and blushed when he realized how it must have sounded strung together.

Shepard's smile grew wider as he transferred the cum and spit in his mouth over onto his hand and began slathering the mixture over his rock hard erection. Shepard chuckled as the words caught up with him and stroked himself as he spoke, "The mission's not over yet soldier. I promised I'd make you feel so much more."

"Shepard what-" and gasped as he felt the cum and saliva slicked finger rub against the tight muscle nestled in the crack of his ass. Kaidan's head arched back as the sensation from his overly sensitive erogenous zones sent overloading signals into his brain and nervous system.

"Don't worry Kaidan, I've got you," Shepard spoke quietly, endearment pulsing through his voice. Endearment and something more. A gasp tore through the silence and Kaidan arched his back, pushing himself against Shepard's stiff digit.

For a moment Shepard was nervous and worried, streaks of hesitation hovered in his eyes. "Kaidan, I... I mean.. If you don't want to.. you know.." Shepard whispered, conflicted feelings of wanting to experience the warmth inside Kaidan and not wanting to hurt him or make him uncomfortable on their first time.

"Shepard, I-" _flick_, Kaidan's gasp came out even more guttural than before, "Please, don't stop Shepard," _flick_, another gasp, followed with a stifled moan. "Don't you _dare_ stop, Shepard-" the shivering, tense gasps stop Kaidan from saying more and Shepard's dick throbs in response as his finger began to work increasingly inside the moist tightness.

Shepard was well aware of how sensitive someone could get after an orgasm and he planned not to go too far too fast though. Not yet anyway. He kept himself hard with his one hand, rubbing Kaidan's sticky cum around his cock again and again, twisting and grinding it. He steadily worked the finger of his other hand inside Kaidan's ass, the cum a perfect lubricant. Shepard teased the tightness away and made sure to stay away from the overly sensitive prostrate gland as he worked his fingers slowly and delicately, feelings the muscles relax more and more as Kaidan's fists tightened on the sheets and a string of unintelligible moans tumbled from Kaidan's slack mouth.

Shepard knew when Kaidan was ready again, how his cock began to rise back up to semi-hardness and when he shifted his head up off the bed and looked Shepard right in his fiery, blue eyes, his groans, moans and occasional swearing never stopping. Kaidan wanted more than anything to feel Shepard inside him, wanted to be one with the man and feel a part of his essence spraying itself deep within him. A flick of Shepard's finger brought out a wordless growl and a slight nod of Kaidan's head as his back arched up involuntarily when Shepard introduced a second finger into Kaidan's tight hole.

Eager, almost impatient, Shepard gripped Kaidan's hips gently but firmly as he tugged the other man up to his throbbing, waiting cock. He lifted up Kaidan's legs slowly and leaned his weight on his arms as he pressed his thick cockhead up against Kaidan's wet and ready hole as Shepard's lips found Kaidan's, gently distracting him with sweet kisses as he slowly and carefully pressed inward.

A vibrating hum grated against Shepard's lips and almost made him shoot his load right there, but Shepard was nothing if not determined and kept his mind focused on controlling the overwhelming sensations that were being sent to his brain. He stopped his progress as he felt his cockhead slip through the tight barrier of muscle and glanced up at Kaidan's eyes and gave the man time to adjust to his size between the breathless gasps that seemed a constant part of their sexual encounter. Not that Shepard would _ever_ get tired hearing those damned sexy sounds.

Since Shepard was giving Kaidan time to adjust, and perhaps a moment to reconsider if he needed it, Shepard spoke up and was surprised at the tight, hoarseness to his voice.

"Hey Kaidan. How's it feel?" Shepard nuzzled up against Kaidan's neck as his breathing began to even out, "You feel so amazing. I've... I've never felt so.. complete before," he groaned against Kaidan's ear while he cursed himself for coming up with the most cliche and sappy thing he'd ever heard.

His embarassment fizzled in him as Kaidan grasped Shepard's head in his hands and growled out, "Shepard, you have _no_ idea how much I've wanted this and... and you feel pretty damn amazing right now," Kaidan paused and tilted his head considering before continuing, "If you leave it hanging like that Commander, I.. I _will_ use my biotics to Pull you in.." Kaidan ended lamely, not sure what else he could say, and burned red hot when he realized just how bad he was at dirty talk.

Shepard's smile was so honest and open, Kaidan swore he felt his heart skip several beats and Kaidan clenched his ass muscles in response, smugly satisfied at the startled gasp from Shepard and the way the man's eyes widened and narrowed, looking down at Kaidan.

Shepard felt his eyebrow cock up and he slowly pushed his hard cock into Kaidan's tight, moist hole, gritting his teeth as Kaidan sporadically clenched and unclenched the rectal muscles around Shepard's organ. He knew he wasn't going to last much longer and fiercely kissed Kaidan's mouth as he felt the last inch slip into Kaidan, like the last tumbler falling through a console bypass.

Wordless moans, growls and words crept from both men's lips as Shepard began to move slowly pumping his way into and out of Kaidan's tight heat, could only feel the way their bodies rubbed against each other, with nothing separating them but thin membranes of skin. Shepard could feel his groans and growls rise in pitch as he lifted himself up and shoved his cockhead up to rub against Kaidan's prostrate which brought a bed-rattling shout from Kaidan and trembled through his body.

Shepard kept changing his pace, slow, deep strokes that brought out a deep purr from Kaidan and short, sharp thrusts that had the man stuttering breathlessly, hot mist pouring over Shepards face. On impulse Shepard continued his thrusts and arched his back to look down on his lover's body. He crunched his abdominals for greater leverage and contemplated the deep brown oval shifting beneath him. _Couldn't hurt_, he mused and bent down as far as he could go and flicked his tongue across Kaidan's left nipple as he continued to thrust.

_Well, I definitely wasn't expecting that_, he groused and rubbed his mouth and the bruised feeling of Kaidan arching his back in that way and crashing his chest against Shepard's tender lips. Still, it was a fascinating discovery and he took precautions, held Kaidan's arms back next to his head, as he tried again. He was vaguely aware of the wordless howls that exploded from Kaidan, and Shepard wondered if the crew would hear and rally around his cabin, rifles drawn.

Then all thoughts were wiped from him as he felt Kaidan spasmodically clench and twist his ass around his cock, felt his vision turn a muzzy, warm white as the feeling narrowed his world.

Neither man could even conjure the strength to spout words or groans, the only sound in the cabin the breathless, deep gasps, lustily torn from both of them, and the moist slap of skin on skin. Shepard increased his tempo and thrust harder and faster, wanting so terribly to make Kaidan feel what he was feeling, the warm tenderness that enveloped him and ran through him. He ran his tongue roughly over Kaidan's nipple and at the same time, tensed his cock and knew that Kaidan would feel the throb through the tightness. He was rewarded with an animalistic shout of "Shepard!" and felt the man lock up underneath him as he crested through his second orgasm, with Shepard inside him, the sprays of hot, white cum splattering up against his sweaty, heaving stomach.

Shepard felt Kaidan's ass clench around him through the orgasm and, for the first time in his life, let go of his self-control completely and surrendered, erupting with a shout to match Kaidan's in intensity and passion and felt the surge of his cum splatter against the walls of Kaidan's insides, feeling wave after wave carry him higher as Shepard's cum and Kaidan's mixed together and became indistinguishable inside Kaidan.

With a gasp, he collapsed on top of the heaving, gasping Kaidan under him and they both hung onto each other, shivering through their orgasms, feeling parts of one another merge and become something more, something joined together from this point on that shared everything about the other. A whole that was much, much greater than its parts.

Shepard rolled over and felt his flaccid length slipping out of Kaidan, and immediately pulled the other into a tight hug, tucking the sheets up around them as they basked in the post-sexual languor. Neither had the strength for words, but each knew that words weren't necessary. Nothing more needed to be said and they knew the thoughts of the other as though they were being projected into one another's minds.

"Shepard," Kaidan whispered just as Shepard muttered "Kaidan," into the other's hair. Their voices merged like the stream of love that had come from the both of them just moments ago and the words carried across the nothing space between them and wrapped itself in their hearts, like an inviting caress. A whispered promise.


	12. Chapter 12: The Heart Deferred

Shepard started awake. His mind tried to process the information his body was taking in. Something had woken him up, something else in his cabin that-  
An arm shifted across his chest as Shepard lifted his body up slightly to get a better look of the surroundings of his cabin. And everything came crashing back to the present. Kaidan's soft touch, hot moans and the unbridled lust that had taken them over as they found a measure of sanity and completion in each other's touch, in their being with one another.

Shepard felt the tension evaporate from his body as he tilted his head over to stare at his sleeping lover. His eyes traced the slightly dishevelled hair (he'd never seen Kaidan's hair like that before and wanted so much to snap a picture with his omni-tool). Traced the strong jaw and delicate mouth, the mere memory of what that mouth had done to him brought back the hardness in between his legs with frightening speed. He knew he'd be able to lie like that until all his muscles cramped up, staring at the man before him, committing details to memory, as tendrils of feeling wound their way around his heart.  
He _ached_ for Kaidan. Body and mind, heart and soul. Never realized how much he needed the other man behind him, with him, lying next to him. Sharing moments of intimacy and vulnerability that he'd never let anyone else share before.

With precision slowness, the very idea of interrupting that pleasant peacefulness on Kaidan's face sent a stab of physical pain through him, he moved up and gathered a small towel to wrap himself up in and cover his nakedness. A private nakedness that he'd not allow anyone else to see or experience if he could help it.

He made his way around his cabin and began collecting the pieces of clothing that he needed to clothe himself, trying to make as little sound as possible. He was both equally vexed and pleasantly surprised to find that he had great difficulty in differentiating between his own uniform set Kaidan's and he judged and settled on different articles instinctively as he let his mind wonder.

He considered the possible ramifications of what they'd done as he pulled on his underwear (it was with small relief and greater lust that he remembered Kaidan didn't wear any on the Normandy), worried about how Kaidan would see their passionate encounter. Slowly lifting up his uniform fatigues he wondered, would he try to derive something deeper from their lustful coupling or was the stress of the mission so great that it provoked them both into a premature encounter that was merely physical.

Shepard hadn't felt that way at all, knew that he had felt something greater and something _more_. The problem was divining whether the sleeping form in front of him felt the same way. He tugged his shirt over his face, memories of Kaidan using the material to obscure his vision to do.. things to him, and considered his options in the momentary, comforting blankness of the fabric.

His considerations on Ilos were there, of course, they'd just merely taken a backseat as he'd used all of himself to give Kaidan, what he hoped was at least, damn good sex. Maybe even more. Now his thoughts were vying for supremacy, plans and co-ordinated methods of attack and what they'd finally find on an abandoned world against the hot heat of Kaidan's ass, the moist skin as it slid across his flat stomach. The deep, soulful form of his name on Kaidan's lips.

He knew he wouldn't be able to let this go, knew he couldn't let his fantasies get the best of his preparations for Ilos. As he buckled up his last boot, he stood up and leaned against his desk while resting his ass against the cold, metal surface and looked at Kaidan's slowly breathing form. Looked at him and past him.

He'd just have to see where he could take this and see how much Kaidan would want out him. Like a personal mission to know the other man. He grinned at the thought but felt a sobering notion form as well, _if we survived Ilos_.

Thankfully, before he could continue along such pessimistic paths, he saw Kaidan's form shift and stir. Saw the slow opening of his eyes as he registered thr cabin with as much alacrity as Shepard had on his waking. Felt the surge of heat as the man's sight came to rest on him and didn't waver in the slightest. Just watching and considering him. Then that sweet, soft smile began to emerge and Shepard knew he'd want nothing more than to see the smile upon waking. For as much as his life would allow.

Fighting back the urge to tear the thin comforter away and expose the muscled man underneath, he got up slowly, the smile on his face a mirror of Kaidan's as he still lay there, looked up wonderingly at Shepard. How that smile shaved panes of darkness, sorrow and loneliness away from Shepard's face. Let Kaidan see how much Shepard _needed_ him.

Shepard paused to sit up close to Kaidan, just along the hip that began to disappear into the white covers and even through his clothes, could feel the warmth coming off the other man. He leaned forward, tenderly agonizing, and cupped Kaidan's face in his hands. He brought his lips forward and could smell the sweat and clean smell that was part of Kaidan, could taste echoes of sweat and cum on the other man's lips.

Shepard swirled his tongue slowly across those slightly swollen lips and lost himself in exploring and tasting, feeling the cushion of tenderness and the taste of the tip of Kaidan's tongue. Drawing back reluctantly, he planted one more chaste kiss across Kaidan's lips and leaned his forehead against Kaidan's, taking in more of that delicious scent that emmenated from Kaidan and hearing the slightly breathless pants escaping his lips.

With their selves touching, they stared into each other's eyes and knew the words weren't necessary. They shared smiles with one another that they'd forgotten they could make, shared feelings that they'd thought they had forgotten and lost. And they just knew.


End file.
